154 Pounds

Welcome to my blog.  You're about to read the confessions of a 324 pound woman.  I'm embarking on a journey to lose this weight, once and for all.  I've tried everything else, why not blogging?

Let's talk about my life right now.  I can't shop at "normal" stores.  I prefer to do all my shopping online, where I feel no one is judging me for shopping at the "fat" store.  I'm ashamed to walk in to the Gap or Ann Taylor because I feel the glances and the judgmental thoughts: "She can't shop here, who does she think she is?  She must be buying something for a friends.  What a whale."  When I sit in chairs with arms, I can feel the sides of my thighs pressing into them.  I am uncomfortable in airplane seats.  I get nervous in restaurants when we are seated in a booth - what if it's too tight and I don't fit?  I have to be wary of weight limits and I'm terrified to visit an amusement park, because I would die of embarrassment if I found out I couldn't fit in the rides.  I get winded walking up stairs.  My ankles hurt.  I hate having pictures of myself tagged on Facebook.

You're probably wondering who I am, and how I let myself get to be 324 pounds.  Let's start with the basics.  I'm in my early thirties.  I'm a professional with a masters degree.  I'm married to a wonderful man and live in a lovely home in the suburbs with my husband and dogs.  I'm well-traveled, I've lived in cities big and small, I love music and reading and spending time with my friends with a good glass of wine.  I love fashion. 

I wasn't always fat.

Take a walk back in time with me.

I was an average child.  I was always tall for my age, and probably just slightly on the chubby side.  Back then, it was more noticeable because fewer children were overweight.  I still recall some of the verbal abuse I took during junior high.  Nothing hurts worse as a 12-year-old girl than to be called fat.  Or ugly.  But overall, I was happy.  I had good friends, my parents loved me, and I was somewhat active.  I tried ice skating and softball, dance and piano.

By high school, I was busy as can be.  I was still a little on the chubby side, but as I grew taller and more active, I was a solid size 10/12.  At 5'10", I weighed in around 150-160.  I was on the swim team, I danced, I was active in the marching band, all of that activity kept me in great shape.  My sophomore year I discovered dieting.  We frequently went on the "lose 10 pounds in 3 days" type diets, and began to track what I ate religiously.  I slimmed down even more, and I loved the attention it garnered.  By my senior year, I was extremely cautious about what I put in my mouth.  Lunch was often just a Crystal Light.  A NutriGrain bar would sometimes be enough to get me through the day.  By the time I was ready to leave for college, my head had started to look too big for my body.

College began, and I drank.  I still didn't eat much, but the beer calories started to take their toll.  I fleshed out just a little bit.  I found a serious boyfriend, and over the course of my freshman year, aided by beer, late night snacks, hormonal birth control pills and the confidence that young love brings, I slowly packed on about 20 pounds.  I was still comfortably in the size 12/14 range, which on my frame, looked healthy.  Just before my sophomore year, my boyfriend broke up with me.  It was a tough break up, and I comforted myself with excessive drinking and the sweet, sweet love of Ben and Jerry.  I crept up to almost 200 pounds, a size 14/16, and there I would stay for the remainder of my college career.  I fluctuated up and down within a 20 pound range, but nothing drastic.

After college, I lived abroad for a time, and then came back to America to begin working.  I added some weight - I was no longer walking everywhere, and I was probably a little depressed.  I hated my job, I was working for peanuts, and I was living with my parents.  I had gained a little weight living abroad, but back in the States, my weight climbed to 275 over the course of a year.  I made the decision to go to grad school, where, thanks to more walking and not being able to afford food, I got my weight back down to about 200 pounds.  I was happy at that weight.

After grad school, I got a high paying, high stress job.  I also had near constant access to food in the workplace.  A favorite activity for my boss and the management team was to meet over breakfast each morning to plan out the day.  In one year, I gained 35 pounds.  The company relocated me to a larger metro area.  I lived alone.  The job became even more high stress.  I still had near constant access to food.  In three years, my weight climbed from 235 to 303 pounds.

Two years ago, I left the high stress job and the large metro area.  I lost a little bit of weight through careful eating and exercise, and got back down to 270.  Then met my husband.  Again, comfortable with being in love, and despite a looming wedding, I let my weight creep back up.  First to 290.  Then to 316.  Then I noticed my fat clothes were getting too tight.  I decided to face the scale.  324.  My highest weight ever.

I must change.  For my future.  I want to have children, I want to live healthy, I want to be able to shop at the goddamn Gap again!

I can't promise that this blog will contain any answers.  But I can promise that it will be honest.  I can promise that I am commited to sharing my thoughts, my struggles, and my triumphs throughout this process.  I hope it will have some laughs.  I know there will be some heartache.  But I hope you will join me - even if I have to create an imaginary readership out there, rooting me on, this will be an important part of this journey.