Stressed spelled backwards...

I've been trying to figure out just what causes a seemingly normal person to do self-destructive things.  Things like gaining massive amounts of weight.  When I was younger, I would often skim my mother's weight loss books.  She had quite a collection - for what it's worth, obesity is not something I'm fighting alone.  Most of my family is overweight if not obese.  Growing up, I think my mother struggled mostly privately with her weight, but I do remember an extensive library of diet books.  Reading through one (to see if I could find a quick way to lose 10 pounds before prom), I found that it focused a great deal on finding the emotional reasons that you eat.  Well, that was silly, I thought.  I don't have emotional issues to dig through, I just need to eat less!

Fast forward 13 years (or so), and I finally realize that weight gain like this doesn't just come from eating too much.  Something must trigger me to want to overeat.  What comfort am I getting from being fat?  Or just from the act of stuffing my face?  I'm really trying to pay attention to the cues around me so that I can address them. 

Yesterday I had just a craptastic day at work.  I found out that we would be losing a person, and that their workload would fall on to my plate.  Excellent!  Forty hours worth of work to somehow magically get done on top of my own workload.  I nearly cried at work I was so mad.  I felt sorry for myself for the rest of the day. 

I made it through the afternoon, following through with my planned eating (thank gosh I didn't have any cash for the vending machine), but as soon as I got home I started digging through the pantry.  First it was a carefully measured serving of peanuts (5 points), then it was some ginger snaps (4 points).  Then I discovered some leftover Christmas cookies and a jar of unopened frosting.  I frosted a cookie and devoured it (4 points).  Then my husband left the room and I lost all self control.  I opened the jar of peanut butter and took a small spoonful (3 points).  Then I took another small spoonful and dipped it into the frosting - divinity!  Three more peanut butter/frosting spoons and a small wedge of cheese and I forced myself out of the kitchen.  Well, actually, I heard my husband coming down the stairs and didn't want to be caught in my unattractive binge.  I lost track of the points, but thankfully I hadn't touched my "bonus" points for the week, so fingers crossed that I didn't do too much damage.  I made it through the rest of the afternoon without any other trips to the feed trough, and am on track today.

I have to assume that the stress of the workday pushed me to do something that I knew was bad for me.  I was definitely physically hungry when I left work, but a more rational action would have been to eat a piece of fruit or start cooking dinner - not shoveling frosting into my mouth while no one was looking.  As I work on losing weight and figuring out how to live healthy, I'll need to continue to keep an eye on this one...