I've been a little Slacky McSlackerton with my exercise this week. I usually strive to do my two training sessions, plus yoga, plus at least two additional cardio sessions. Well, I got my two training sessions in. Work has been a little hectic, so where I usually get in the gym 15-20 minutes early and get some quality cardio time in, this week I skated in minutes before my session was supposed to start and dashed out right after it was done. I skipped yoga because, quite frankly, I just didn't feel like it. Then Wednesday I had to go right from work to a basketball game (husband's work function), and tonight my dear mother is coming to stay with us, so I'll be leaving right away after work to meet her. I really need to commit to either a couple of good long walks, or some cardio at home this week.
I do feel better about my diet this week. Not perfect, but better. I packed my lunch (I am the queen of buying lunch), resulting in nice, light but filling meals. I made a delicious homemade minestrone, using whole grain pasta. I've been doing pretty good...until today. My husband came and met me for lunch, and after eating, we decided to take a walk around. We happened to be passing my favorite cookie place, and I sure did order a half dozen delicious, warm cookies. Of course I was buying to share with my co-workers, but a couple of people refused. I've now eaten two - a butterscotch/oatmeal and a white chocolate chip. There are now two more cookies staring at me from the bag. I could easily pack those things in and feel miserable for the rest of the day (but feel so good for a few seconds while they were going down). This is really a test!!
In other diet news, I sent a few days of my food log to my trainer at her request. I didn't send portion sizes, so she tried to estimate for herself. Of the three days, she calculated two at about 1000 calories and the third at 1500. I know these are lower than what I'm actually consuming, so boy was I was surprised when she said that 1500 was a good bit higher than what they'd like me to be eating. What the what now? Every source I've ever used has encouraged me to look at between 1800-2000. Seriously, guys, I'm huge. I burn a lot of calories just being. If I ate less than 1500 calories a day, I think I would start to eat myself. Well, I guess that would be one way to speed up the loss! I know as I lose weight my intake goals will go down. I get that. This ain't my first rodeo. But I'm really having trouble taking diet advice from this 95-pound girl. Oh well...I guess she means well, and I feel confident that I know what I should be doing on my own. It's just a matter of doing it. Every day.
On that note, here's my eating from yesterday...
Breakfast:
Morningstar breakfast sandwich (pretty good, meat-free option - 270 calories and filling)
Iced tea
Lunch:
Panera 1/2 steak salad and black bean soup
Iced tea
Chocolate chip cookie
Dinner:
Homemade minestrone soup
Two thin slices cheddar cheese
Handful of rice crackers
Not a terrible day - actually pretty good until that cookie strolled in. I had forgotten about him until I went to remember what I had, maybe that kicked off the cookie cravings today? But hey, that cookie was free. And I've never said no to a free cookie.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Mean Girl
I had a bit of a revelation last night. I am a mean girl. Like full on, member of The Plastics, mean girl.
I've always known I had a mean streak. I love to sit in judgment of the fashion and life choices of others, just as much as the next person. I fully realize the hypocrisy in judging someone else when you don't have your own poop in a group - hello, Pot? Meet Kettle. But it's just so darn SATISFYING sometimes! Why else do we watch shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom? It makes you feel better about your own life! And after a while, you learn to ignore that slightly nauseated, hungover feeling you get after binging on too much trainwreck.
Anyway, back to last night's revelation. I'm the worst kind of mean girl. Because the person I'm meanest to? Is me.
As you may have read in previous posts, I see a therapist. My assignment for last night was to write a letter to my body. This was inspired by my sharing with her the feelings of gratitude I had after yoga classes. I shared some of the same sentiments in the letter that you can find in my previous post. I found, of course, as I was writing down all the things my body CAN do for me, and all the things I'm appreciative of, that it was so easy for my mind to say, "But what about your fat rolls? And sure, your legs are strong, but what about the pain in your ankles from carrying around all that weight? Oh, you like your hair? Well, don't you think it's a little flat and limp? And you can't say you have nice fingernails when you have fat sausage fingers, can you?" Ouch.
I tried to ignore the negative thoughts and stayed focused on the positive. After writing to my body, I was to turn around and write as if my body was responding. I felt pretty silly, but soon I found the words were flowing. The response, in a nutshell, was that I was treating my body, who had done so much for me, like crap. I had been feeding it crap, letting it get fat and lazy, and then, in true abusive fashion, I had been trash talking it when it wouldn't do what I wanted it to. The thought-provoking question from my therapist? What if your body was a person who did all these things for you, and you spoke to them and treated them like your body? How would that person feel?
A lot of my therapy has circled back to trying to figure out where issues stem from, which means a lot of analysis of my childhood and my family. Now I don't have any abuse or neglect or trauma in my past, but what I do have is a long line of obesity in my family. Is it possible I picked up on this mean treatment of my body, of myself, as a child? Learned that the body is something to be wrestled with and despised? Watching my family battle weight, feel bad about their own body image, I'm sure that had an impact. And then, after years of listening to me say, "You're too fat, you're not good enough, you'll never be thin", my body finally said, "Okay, you're right. I'm fat." And cue the self-fulfilling prophecy.
So here we go - a new effort to to be grateful, to appreciate my body for what it is, and to give it the recognition, the nourishment, and the exercise that it needs. It's time to listen to what my body has to say to me and give it what it needs.
I've always known I had a mean streak. I love to sit in judgment of the fashion and life choices of others, just as much as the next person. I fully realize the hypocrisy in judging someone else when you don't have your own poop in a group - hello, Pot? Meet Kettle. But it's just so darn SATISFYING sometimes! Why else do we watch shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom? It makes you feel better about your own life! And after a while, you learn to ignore that slightly nauseated, hungover feeling you get after binging on too much trainwreck.
Anyway, back to last night's revelation. I'm the worst kind of mean girl. Because the person I'm meanest to? Is me.
As you may have read in previous posts, I see a therapist. My assignment for last night was to write a letter to my body. This was inspired by my sharing with her the feelings of gratitude I had after yoga classes. I shared some of the same sentiments in the letter that you can find in my previous post. I found, of course, as I was writing down all the things my body CAN do for me, and all the things I'm appreciative of, that it was so easy for my mind to say, "But what about your fat rolls? And sure, your legs are strong, but what about the pain in your ankles from carrying around all that weight? Oh, you like your hair? Well, don't you think it's a little flat and limp? And you can't say you have nice fingernails when you have fat sausage fingers, can you?" Ouch.
I tried to ignore the negative thoughts and stayed focused on the positive. After writing to my body, I was to turn around and write as if my body was responding. I felt pretty silly, but soon I found the words were flowing. The response, in a nutshell, was that I was treating my body, who had done so much for me, like crap. I had been feeding it crap, letting it get fat and lazy, and then, in true abusive fashion, I had been trash talking it when it wouldn't do what I wanted it to. The thought-provoking question from my therapist? What if your body was a person who did all these things for you, and you spoke to them and treated them like your body? How would that person feel?
A lot of my therapy has circled back to trying to figure out where issues stem from, which means a lot of analysis of my childhood and my family. Now I don't have any abuse or neglect or trauma in my past, but what I do have is a long line of obesity in my family. Is it possible I picked up on this mean treatment of my body, of myself, as a child? Learned that the body is something to be wrestled with and despised? Watching my family battle weight, feel bad about their own body image, I'm sure that had an impact. And then, after years of listening to me say, "You're too fat, you're not good enough, you'll never be thin", my body finally said, "Okay, you're right. I'm fat." And cue the self-fulfilling prophecy.
So here we go - a new effort to to be grateful, to appreciate my body for what it is, and to give it the recognition, the nourishment, and the exercise that it needs. It's time to listen to what my body has to say to me and give it what it needs.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Yogaaaaaahhhhh
I found a yoga class at my local community center, and decided to give it a go. I've done yoga in the past - DVDs, classes at the gym - but I never really could get into it. It felt too...I don't know, unproductive, hippy-dippy, something. Maybe it just took age wisdom to figure out that it's a pretty cool thing. I love it!
The session I signed up for is only six classes, and I'm now halfway done. I already feel more strength in my upper body, and it really has given me a new appreciation for my body. I've spent the last 30 years hating my body for all the things it can't do, for how it looks in tight pants, for not being able to wear tall boots, for being just generally disagreeable. Imagine my surprise when I learned how good it feels to appreciate your body for all the things it CAN do. For being strong. For being able to walk and for breath that allows me to sing and for hands to pet my dogs and touch my husband and arms to wrap around him and other that I love. Gratitude.
There are, of course, things my body can't do (yet) - I really struggle with poses that require me to hold myself up with my arms and shoulders, like downward dog and dolphin. It's always going to be harder to hold up 300+ pounds than it should be. But I feel strong in poses like warrior and triangle, and I'm getting better. I think this is going to be a GREAT addition to my fitness routine.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Coffee with flavored creamer
Two Primal vegan "jerky" strips
Two clementines
Lunch:
1/2 ham sandwich on white bread with lettuce and onion
Cup of chicken tortilla soup
diet Coke
Dinner:
Bagel with whipped cream cheese
Slice of reduced fat cheddar cheese
Leftover sauteed red cabbage and apples
Snacks:
14 almonds
Two clementines
Exercise - 75 minutes of yoga
The session I signed up for is only six classes, and I'm now halfway done. I already feel more strength in my upper body, and it really has given me a new appreciation for my body. I've spent the last 30 years hating my body for all the things it can't do, for how it looks in tight pants, for not being able to wear tall boots, for being just generally disagreeable. Imagine my surprise when I learned how good it feels to appreciate your body for all the things it CAN do. For being strong. For being able to walk and for breath that allows me to sing and for hands to pet my dogs and touch my husband and arms to wrap around him and other that I love. Gratitude.
There are, of course, things my body can't do (yet) - I really struggle with poses that require me to hold myself up with my arms and shoulders, like downward dog and dolphin. It's always going to be harder to hold up 300+ pounds than it should be. But I feel strong in poses like warrior and triangle, and I'm getting better. I think this is going to be a GREAT addition to my fitness routine.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Coffee with flavored creamer
Two Primal vegan "jerky" strips
Two clementines
Lunch:
1/2 ham sandwich on white bread with lettuce and onion
Cup of chicken tortilla soup
diet Coke
Dinner:
Bagel with whipped cream cheese
Slice of reduced fat cheddar cheese
Leftover sauteed red cabbage and apples
Snacks:
14 almonds
Two clementines
Exercise - 75 minutes of yoga
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Yesterday's News
I failed miserably yesterday. I debated not posting, but where's the fun in that.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Instant oatmeal (strawberries & cream)
Lunch:
Culver's pork tenderloin sandwich
Fries
Medium root beer
Dinner:
Jimmy John's turkey sandwich
Medium iced tea
Snacks:
1/2 sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints
3 clementines
1 ice cream bar
Analysis - I effed myself over when I dug into those cookies at 9am. For me, sugar begets sugar, so if I start the day with crappy food, it screws me over all day long. For lunch, I was rushed. I took a late lunch because I had a doctor appointment, and I was trying to avoid taking too much time away from work. As a result, I ended up eating at 2:30pm. I was hungry, cranky from the sugar crash after mass quantities of cookies in the morning, and trying to find anything fast on the way back to the office. Enter the pork tenderloin sandwich and fries.
Many of my weeknights are packed - I'm away from home from 7:30am to 9:30pm on Mondays. By the time I was driving home, I was wiped. I made the mistake of stopping at the grocery store to buy a few healthier snacks for work, and in addition to almonds and vegan "jerky", I found myself throwing a box of Twix ice cream bars in my basket. Of course I cracked open the box on the way home and wolfed one down. In a fit of remorse, I tossed the rest of the box out the car window. I know, litterbug, right? But I guess I'm glad they're going to waste on the side of the road instead of going to waste on my ass.
After a very bad day of eating, at least I could have redeemed myself a bit with a good workout - I had left a gym bag under my desk so that I could use my downtime effectively. But alas, I forgot that my gym shoes weren't in the bag, and girlfriend wasn't going to use the eliptical in kitten heels.
My affirmation? Today will be a better day. I have healthy lunch plans in mind, and tonight I have both a workout with my trainer AND an hour of yoga. Woot!
Food Log
Breakfast:
Instant oatmeal (strawberries & cream)
Lunch:
Culver's pork tenderloin sandwich
Fries
Medium root beer
Dinner:
Jimmy John's turkey sandwich
Medium iced tea
Snacks:
1/2 sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints
3 clementines
1 ice cream bar
Analysis - I effed myself over when I dug into those cookies at 9am. For me, sugar begets sugar, so if I start the day with crappy food, it screws me over all day long. For lunch, I was rushed. I took a late lunch because I had a doctor appointment, and I was trying to avoid taking too much time away from work. As a result, I ended up eating at 2:30pm. I was hungry, cranky from the sugar crash after mass quantities of cookies in the morning, and trying to find anything fast on the way back to the office. Enter the pork tenderloin sandwich and fries.
Many of my weeknights are packed - I'm away from home from 7:30am to 9:30pm on Mondays. By the time I was driving home, I was wiped. I made the mistake of stopping at the grocery store to buy a few healthier snacks for work, and in addition to almonds and vegan "jerky", I found myself throwing a box of Twix ice cream bars in my basket. Of course I cracked open the box on the way home and wolfed one down. In a fit of remorse, I tossed the rest of the box out the car window. I know, litterbug, right? But I guess I'm glad they're going to waste on the side of the road instead of going to waste on my ass.
After a very bad day of eating, at least I could have redeemed myself a bit with a good workout - I had left a gym bag under my desk so that I could use my downtime effectively. But alas, I forgot that my gym shoes weren't in the bag, and girlfriend wasn't going to use the eliptical in kitten heels.
My affirmation? Today will be a better day. I have healthy lunch plans in mind, and tonight I have both a workout with my trainer AND an hour of yoga. Woot!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Back in Business
So after a long hiatus from blogging, I think it's time to make this an integral part of my weight loss journey. I'm also going to start making more of my food logs public by posting them here. I think that will add some accountability and maybe I'll even get some feedback from readers! Here's the last seven months in a nutshell:
-In June, I did my first 5k. I walked nearly all of it, and didn't finish within the maximum time allowed. I got passed by pregnant ladies and old men. I couldn't breathe from the humidity (I occasionally get exercise-induced asthma). My husband, who ran it with me, all but said he was embarrassed to cross the finish line with me. But none of that really mattered, because I finished. And there's nowhere to go but up after a finish like that :)
-I hired a personal trainer, and have been working with them since September. This has given me a HUGE boost in setting (and keeping) and exercise routine. I now workout a minimum of three days a week, but usually do four or five.
-I've only lost about four pounds. Eating has been a bit of a struggle, especially with the holidays. My biggest downfall is the workday. I eat out almost every day, and while I feel I often make healthy choices, I do sometimes buy a cookie or other treat for the afternoon. My goal for 2012 is to get better about meal planning both for dinners AND lunches!
-I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism last year. I'm hoping this explains a lot about why the weight has been so hard to LOSE. I'm under no delusion that I can blame my weight gain on this. Oh no, I own that. But if it can explain why, even when I've been busting my assets in the gym and following my eating plan to the letter, I'm seeing lukewarm results at best.
I guess the other big news is that my husband and I are actively trying to conceive. We started really trying a couple of months ago. I'm sure that will be a topic of several blog entries in the near future!
I think that pretty accurately sums up the biggest weight loss-related events of 2011. Now, as promised, my food log! For now, I'll post what I ate the day before.
Breakfast:
-Morningstar vegetarian "sausage" patty, two
-Whole wheat English muffin with light, whipped cream cheese
-Coffee with flavored creamer
Lunch
-Amy's Organics ravioli with cheese
-Two shortbread cookies
Snacks
-Turkey jerky
-Two clementines
Dinner
-Ham, one half a thick slice
-Sauteed red cabbage and apples (yummy Weight Watchers recipe)
There are several things I'm trying to focus on with my diet this year. First, I'm trying to eat less meat. I was vegan for a while, and felt so good. When I married my husband (who is a carnivore), I added meat back into my diet, mostly out of laziness, but I was also a bit worried about my protein intake. I'd really like to get back to at least a vegetarian diet, but perhaps enjoy the occasional organic, free-range meat product. Second, I'm trying to eat less refined carbohydrates/sugar. Fruit is not an enemy, but I would like to drastically reduce bread and white flour, and of course, sugar. Third, and I think this one is most important, I'm really trying to reduce pre-packaged meals and preservatives/overly processed foods. One way I'm working on this is to eat out much less, and to prepare more meals at home.
Okay, I think that's enough for this first dip back into the blogging pool. Here's to many more in the coming year!
-In June, I did my first 5k. I walked nearly all of it, and didn't finish within the maximum time allowed. I got passed by pregnant ladies and old men. I couldn't breathe from the humidity (I occasionally get exercise-induced asthma). My husband, who ran it with me, all but said he was embarrassed to cross the finish line with me. But none of that really mattered, because I finished. And there's nowhere to go but up after a finish like that :)
-I hired a personal trainer, and have been working with them since September. This has given me a HUGE boost in setting (and keeping) and exercise routine. I now workout a minimum of three days a week, but usually do four or five.
-I've only lost about four pounds. Eating has been a bit of a struggle, especially with the holidays. My biggest downfall is the workday. I eat out almost every day, and while I feel I often make healthy choices, I do sometimes buy a cookie or other treat for the afternoon. My goal for 2012 is to get better about meal planning both for dinners AND lunches!
-I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism last year. I'm hoping this explains a lot about why the weight has been so hard to LOSE. I'm under no delusion that I can blame my weight gain on this. Oh no, I own that. But if it can explain why, even when I've been busting my assets in the gym and following my eating plan to the letter, I'm seeing lukewarm results at best.
I guess the other big news is that my husband and I are actively trying to conceive. We started really trying a couple of months ago. I'm sure that will be a topic of several blog entries in the near future!
I think that pretty accurately sums up the biggest weight loss-related events of 2011. Now, as promised, my food log! For now, I'll post what I ate the day before.
Breakfast:
-Morningstar vegetarian "sausage" patty, two
-Whole wheat English muffin with light, whipped cream cheese
-Coffee with flavored creamer
Lunch
-Amy's Organics ravioli with cheese
-Two shortbread cookies
Snacks
-Turkey jerky
-Two clementines
Dinner
-Ham, one half a thick slice
-Sauteed red cabbage and apples (yummy Weight Watchers recipe)
There are several things I'm trying to focus on with my diet this year. First, I'm trying to eat less meat. I was vegan for a while, and felt so good. When I married my husband (who is a carnivore), I added meat back into my diet, mostly out of laziness, but I was also a bit worried about my protein intake. I'd really like to get back to at least a vegetarian diet, but perhaps enjoy the occasional organic, free-range meat product. Second, I'm trying to eat less refined carbohydrates/sugar. Fruit is not an enemy, but I would like to drastically reduce bread and white flour, and of course, sugar. Third, and I think this one is most important, I'm really trying to reduce pre-packaged meals and preservatives/overly processed foods. One way I'm working on this is to eat out much less, and to prepare more meals at home.
Okay, I think that's enough for this first dip back into the blogging pool. Here's to many more in the coming year!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Success! Sort of...
So I'm done with my 10-week challenge. Oh holy lord. I probably didn't commit myself quite as fully as I could have - I missed some classes here and there, and I wasn't crazy-strict with my food intake. They really didn't address it much, but I know some people in my class were cutting out sugar, carbs, alcohol, downing protein shots, etc. I'm sure that helped them pull some big numbers, but I know me. If I got too crazy, I'd gain all the weight back and then some.
I only lost four pounds over the 10 week course. I'm a little disappointed in the loss, but I did lose 11 inches overall, and improved my time holding the wall squat and the plank, and did four more push-ups than I did 10 weeks ago. The program really did focus more on strength than cardio.
I think the biggest success with this program is that it got me motivated again to exercise with some regularity. I was getting rather sloth-like over the winter months! I am officially signed up for my first 5k in three weeks, and have plans to sign up for more. I think it will be good to get more cardio in if I'm going to speed up this weight loss. My husband and I have been fast-walking, and one of these days I may just break into a jog and shock the hell out of everyone.
The other success has been in my eating. I mentioned previously that I'd stay within my alotted fat/calories/etc. all week, eating healthy foods, and then Sunday would be a free day. Knowing that if I forego a treat (or a binge) during the week, I can have it just a few days later, has helped me make some better choices. This past Sunday, I tried to tell myself in my head that I should eat something "naughty" because I could - and my head said, "Nah, no big deal, don't really feel like it". It was a whole new way of thinking about food for me. As if once I realized I really could eat something on Sunday, I gave myself permission, and those "naughty" foods started to lose some of their allure.
I only lost four pounds over the 10 week course. I'm a little disappointed in the loss, but I did lose 11 inches overall, and improved my time holding the wall squat and the plank, and did four more push-ups than I did 10 weeks ago. The program really did focus more on strength than cardio.
I think the biggest success with this program is that it got me motivated again to exercise with some regularity. I was getting rather sloth-like over the winter months! I am officially signed up for my first 5k in three weeks, and have plans to sign up for more. I think it will be good to get more cardio in if I'm going to speed up this weight loss. My husband and I have been fast-walking, and one of these days I may just break into a jog and shock the hell out of everyone.
The other success has been in my eating. I mentioned previously that I'd stay within my alotted fat/calories/etc. all week, eating healthy foods, and then Sunday would be a free day. Knowing that if I forego a treat (or a binge) during the week, I can have it just a few days later, has helped me make some better choices. This past Sunday, I tried to tell myself in my head that I should eat something "naughty" because I could - and my head said, "Nah, no big deal, don't really feel like it". It was a whole new way of thinking about food for me. As if once I realized I really could eat something on Sunday, I gave myself permission, and those "naughty" foods started to lose some of their allure.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I Want A New Drug
So I've been continuing my therapy sessions - it's been really helpful to talk about issues that can trigger eating. Plus it's nice to know that this person's only job is to listen to be babble. She actually gets paid to hear me whine about my day! Everyone should have this!
Today we talked about depression. When I was in college, I was diagnosed with depression - it was a particularly stressful time for me. I can't pinpoint it to any real reason, except that things seemed to compound. I couldn't seem to get off the couch to go to class, which impacted my grades, which made me feel worse, which impacted my relationships with friends, which made me feel worse, etc. At one point I was curled up in a corner of my room, staring blankly at the floor. That scared me. I saw a psychiatrist at my mother's recommendation, and with my pal Prozac, I was able to face the world again. It really did help, and between that and other exciting things going on in my life, I kind of got back on track.
I've been off medication for nine years, but as we spoke today, I started to think about all of the low points over the last decade. After I stopped taking medication, I struggled with staying motivated for...well, anything. When I got particularly stressed about work, I can recall completely letting go. When I lived on my own, there were months where my housekeeping would become so terrible that I wouldn't let people inside my place. I remember looking around apathetically, thinking I could easily let myself completely slip and be found years later buried in my own rubble. I really let my finances go at one point as well - I just stopped paying for stuff. I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of that years later.
My therapist said she thinks the depression has always been there. It never went away. I've just been better at coping with it when things were "normal" in my life. When stressors appear, my coping mechanisms go away.
She recommended contacting my PCP - to see about getting back on antidepressants. I think it's the way to go. I think in combination with all the other efforts I'm making - exercise, better diet, talk therapy, it may be just the thing to help me feel like me again. Oh shit, now I'm in tears writing this. Calling the doctor tomorrow.
Today we talked about depression. When I was in college, I was diagnosed with depression - it was a particularly stressful time for me. I can't pinpoint it to any real reason, except that things seemed to compound. I couldn't seem to get off the couch to go to class, which impacted my grades, which made me feel worse, which impacted my relationships with friends, which made me feel worse, etc. At one point I was curled up in a corner of my room, staring blankly at the floor. That scared me. I saw a psychiatrist at my mother's recommendation, and with my pal Prozac, I was able to face the world again. It really did help, and between that and other exciting things going on in my life, I kind of got back on track.
I've been off medication for nine years, but as we spoke today, I started to think about all of the low points over the last decade. After I stopped taking medication, I struggled with staying motivated for...well, anything. When I got particularly stressed about work, I can recall completely letting go. When I lived on my own, there were months where my housekeeping would become so terrible that I wouldn't let people inside my place. I remember looking around apathetically, thinking I could easily let myself completely slip and be found years later buried in my own rubble. I really let my finances go at one point as well - I just stopped paying for stuff. I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of that years later.
My therapist said she thinks the depression has always been there. It never went away. I've just been better at coping with it when things were "normal" in my life. When stressors appear, my coping mechanisms go away.
She recommended contacting my PCP - to see about getting back on antidepressants. I think it's the way to go. I think in combination with all the other efforts I'm making - exercise, better diet, talk therapy, it may be just the thing to help me feel like me again. Oh shit, now I'm in tears writing this. Calling the doctor tomorrow.
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