I've been a little Slacky McSlackerton with my exercise this week. I usually strive to do my two training sessions, plus yoga, plus at least two additional cardio sessions. Well, I got my two training sessions in. Work has been a little hectic, so where I usually get in the gym 15-20 minutes early and get some quality cardio time in, this week I skated in minutes before my session was supposed to start and dashed out right after it was done. I skipped yoga because, quite frankly, I just didn't feel like it. Then Wednesday I had to go right from work to a basketball game (husband's work function), and tonight my dear mother is coming to stay with us, so I'll be leaving right away after work to meet her. I really need to commit to either a couple of good long walks, or some cardio at home this week.
I do feel better about my diet this week. Not perfect, but better. I packed my lunch (I am the queen of buying lunch), resulting in nice, light but filling meals. I made a delicious homemade minestrone, using whole grain pasta. I've been doing pretty good...until today. My husband came and met me for lunch, and after eating, we decided to take a walk around. We happened to be passing my favorite cookie place, and I sure did order a half dozen delicious, warm cookies. Of course I was buying to share with my co-workers, but a couple of people refused. I've now eaten two - a butterscotch/oatmeal and a white chocolate chip. There are now two more cookies staring at me from the bag. I could easily pack those things in and feel miserable for the rest of the day (but feel so good for a few seconds while they were going down). This is really a test!!
In other diet news, I sent a few days of my food log to my trainer at her request. I didn't send portion sizes, so she tried to estimate for herself. Of the three days, she calculated two at about 1000 calories and the third at 1500. I know these are lower than what I'm actually consuming, so boy was I was surprised when she said that 1500 was a good bit higher than what they'd like me to be eating. What the what now? Every source I've ever used has encouraged me to look at between 1800-2000. Seriously, guys, I'm huge. I burn a lot of calories just being. If I ate less than 1500 calories a day, I think I would start to eat myself. Well, I guess that would be one way to speed up the loss! I know as I lose weight my intake goals will go down. I get that. This ain't my first rodeo. But I'm really having trouble taking diet advice from this 95-pound girl. Oh well...I guess she means well, and I feel confident that I know what I should be doing on my own. It's just a matter of doing it. Every day.
On that note, here's my eating from yesterday...
Breakfast:
Morningstar breakfast sandwich (pretty good, meat-free option - 270 calories and filling)
Iced tea
Lunch:
Panera 1/2 steak salad and black bean soup
Iced tea
Chocolate chip cookie
Dinner:
Homemade minestrone soup
Two thin slices cheddar cheese
Handful of rice crackers
Not a terrible day - actually pretty good until that cookie strolled in. I had forgotten about him until I went to remember what I had, maybe that kicked off the cookie cravings today? But hey, that cookie was free. And I've never said no to a free cookie.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Mean Girl
I had a bit of a revelation last night. I am a mean girl. Like full on, member of The Plastics, mean girl.
I've always known I had a mean streak. I love to sit in judgment of the fashion and life choices of others, just as much as the next person. I fully realize the hypocrisy in judging someone else when you don't have your own poop in a group - hello, Pot? Meet Kettle. But it's just so darn SATISFYING sometimes! Why else do we watch shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom? It makes you feel better about your own life! And after a while, you learn to ignore that slightly nauseated, hungover feeling you get after binging on too much trainwreck.
Anyway, back to last night's revelation. I'm the worst kind of mean girl. Because the person I'm meanest to? Is me.
As you may have read in previous posts, I see a therapist. My assignment for last night was to write a letter to my body. This was inspired by my sharing with her the feelings of gratitude I had after yoga classes. I shared some of the same sentiments in the letter that you can find in my previous post. I found, of course, as I was writing down all the things my body CAN do for me, and all the things I'm appreciative of, that it was so easy for my mind to say, "But what about your fat rolls? And sure, your legs are strong, but what about the pain in your ankles from carrying around all that weight? Oh, you like your hair? Well, don't you think it's a little flat and limp? And you can't say you have nice fingernails when you have fat sausage fingers, can you?" Ouch.
I tried to ignore the negative thoughts and stayed focused on the positive. After writing to my body, I was to turn around and write as if my body was responding. I felt pretty silly, but soon I found the words were flowing. The response, in a nutshell, was that I was treating my body, who had done so much for me, like crap. I had been feeding it crap, letting it get fat and lazy, and then, in true abusive fashion, I had been trash talking it when it wouldn't do what I wanted it to. The thought-provoking question from my therapist? What if your body was a person who did all these things for you, and you spoke to them and treated them like your body? How would that person feel?
A lot of my therapy has circled back to trying to figure out where issues stem from, which means a lot of analysis of my childhood and my family. Now I don't have any abuse or neglect or trauma in my past, but what I do have is a long line of obesity in my family. Is it possible I picked up on this mean treatment of my body, of myself, as a child? Learned that the body is something to be wrestled with and despised? Watching my family battle weight, feel bad about their own body image, I'm sure that had an impact. And then, after years of listening to me say, "You're too fat, you're not good enough, you'll never be thin", my body finally said, "Okay, you're right. I'm fat." And cue the self-fulfilling prophecy.
So here we go - a new effort to to be grateful, to appreciate my body for what it is, and to give it the recognition, the nourishment, and the exercise that it needs. It's time to listen to what my body has to say to me and give it what it needs.
I've always known I had a mean streak. I love to sit in judgment of the fashion and life choices of others, just as much as the next person. I fully realize the hypocrisy in judging someone else when you don't have your own poop in a group - hello, Pot? Meet Kettle. But it's just so darn SATISFYING sometimes! Why else do we watch shows like Jersey Shore and Teen Mom? It makes you feel better about your own life! And after a while, you learn to ignore that slightly nauseated, hungover feeling you get after binging on too much trainwreck.
Anyway, back to last night's revelation. I'm the worst kind of mean girl. Because the person I'm meanest to? Is me.
As you may have read in previous posts, I see a therapist. My assignment for last night was to write a letter to my body. This was inspired by my sharing with her the feelings of gratitude I had after yoga classes. I shared some of the same sentiments in the letter that you can find in my previous post. I found, of course, as I was writing down all the things my body CAN do for me, and all the things I'm appreciative of, that it was so easy for my mind to say, "But what about your fat rolls? And sure, your legs are strong, but what about the pain in your ankles from carrying around all that weight? Oh, you like your hair? Well, don't you think it's a little flat and limp? And you can't say you have nice fingernails when you have fat sausage fingers, can you?" Ouch.
I tried to ignore the negative thoughts and stayed focused on the positive. After writing to my body, I was to turn around and write as if my body was responding. I felt pretty silly, but soon I found the words were flowing. The response, in a nutshell, was that I was treating my body, who had done so much for me, like crap. I had been feeding it crap, letting it get fat and lazy, and then, in true abusive fashion, I had been trash talking it when it wouldn't do what I wanted it to. The thought-provoking question from my therapist? What if your body was a person who did all these things for you, and you spoke to them and treated them like your body? How would that person feel?
A lot of my therapy has circled back to trying to figure out where issues stem from, which means a lot of analysis of my childhood and my family. Now I don't have any abuse or neglect or trauma in my past, but what I do have is a long line of obesity in my family. Is it possible I picked up on this mean treatment of my body, of myself, as a child? Learned that the body is something to be wrestled with and despised? Watching my family battle weight, feel bad about their own body image, I'm sure that had an impact. And then, after years of listening to me say, "You're too fat, you're not good enough, you'll never be thin", my body finally said, "Okay, you're right. I'm fat." And cue the self-fulfilling prophecy.
So here we go - a new effort to to be grateful, to appreciate my body for what it is, and to give it the recognition, the nourishment, and the exercise that it needs. It's time to listen to what my body has to say to me and give it what it needs.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Yogaaaaaahhhhh
I found a yoga class at my local community center, and decided to give it a go. I've done yoga in the past - DVDs, classes at the gym - but I never really could get into it. It felt too...I don't know, unproductive, hippy-dippy, something. Maybe it just took age wisdom to figure out that it's a pretty cool thing. I love it!
The session I signed up for is only six classes, and I'm now halfway done. I already feel more strength in my upper body, and it really has given me a new appreciation for my body. I've spent the last 30 years hating my body for all the things it can't do, for how it looks in tight pants, for not being able to wear tall boots, for being just generally disagreeable. Imagine my surprise when I learned how good it feels to appreciate your body for all the things it CAN do. For being strong. For being able to walk and for breath that allows me to sing and for hands to pet my dogs and touch my husband and arms to wrap around him and other that I love. Gratitude.
There are, of course, things my body can't do (yet) - I really struggle with poses that require me to hold myself up with my arms and shoulders, like downward dog and dolphin. It's always going to be harder to hold up 300+ pounds than it should be. But I feel strong in poses like warrior and triangle, and I'm getting better. I think this is going to be a GREAT addition to my fitness routine.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Coffee with flavored creamer
Two Primal vegan "jerky" strips
Two clementines
Lunch:
1/2 ham sandwich on white bread with lettuce and onion
Cup of chicken tortilla soup
diet Coke
Dinner:
Bagel with whipped cream cheese
Slice of reduced fat cheddar cheese
Leftover sauteed red cabbage and apples
Snacks:
14 almonds
Two clementines
Exercise - 75 minutes of yoga
The session I signed up for is only six classes, and I'm now halfway done. I already feel more strength in my upper body, and it really has given me a new appreciation for my body. I've spent the last 30 years hating my body for all the things it can't do, for how it looks in tight pants, for not being able to wear tall boots, for being just generally disagreeable. Imagine my surprise when I learned how good it feels to appreciate your body for all the things it CAN do. For being strong. For being able to walk and for breath that allows me to sing and for hands to pet my dogs and touch my husband and arms to wrap around him and other that I love. Gratitude.
There are, of course, things my body can't do (yet) - I really struggle with poses that require me to hold myself up with my arms and shoulders, like downward dog and dolphin. It's always going to be harder to hold up 300+ pounds than it should be. But I feel strong in poses like warrior and triangle, and I'm getting better. I think this is going to be a GREAT addition to my fitness routine.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Coffee with flavored creamer
Two Primal vegan "jerky" strips
Two clementines
Lunch:
1/2 ham sandwich on white bread with lettuce and onion
Cup of chicken tortilla soup
diet Coke
Dinner:
Bagel with whipped cream cheese
Slice of reduced fat cheddar cheese
Leftover sauteed red cabbage and apples
Snacks:
14 almonds
Two clementines
Exercise - 75 minutes of yoga
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Yesterday's News
I failed miserably yesterday. I debated not posting, but where's the fun in that.
Food Log
Breakfast:
Instant oatmeal (strawberries & cream)
Lunch:
Culver's pork tenderloin sandwich
Fries
Medium root beer
Dinner:
Jimmy John's turkey sandwich
Medium iced tea
Snacks:
1/2 sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints
3 clementines
1 ice cream bar
Analysis - I effed myself over when I dug into those cookies at 9am. For me, sugar begets sugar, so if I start the day with crappy food, it screws me over all day long. For lunch, I was rushed. I took a late lunch because I had a doctor appointment, and I was trying to avoid taking too much time away from work. As a result, I ended up eating at 2:30pm. I was hungry, cranky from the sugar crash after mass quantities of cookies in the morning, and trying to find anything fast on the way back to the office. Enter the pork tenderloin sandwich and fries.
Many of my weeknights are packed - I'm away from home from 7:30am to 9:30pm on Mondays. By the time I was driving home, I was wiped. I made the mistake of stopping at the grocery store to buy a few healthier snacks for work, and in addition to almonds and vegan "jerky", I found myself throwing a box of Twix ice cream bars in my basket. Of course I cracked open the box on the way home and wolfed one down. In a fit of remorse, I tossed the rest of the box out the car window. I know, litterbug, right? But I guess I'm glad they're going to waste on the side of the road instead of going to waste on my ass.
After a very bad day of eating, at least I could have redeemed myself a bit with a good workout - I had left a gym bag under my desk so that I could use my downtime effectively. But alas, I forgot that my gym shoes weren't in the bag, and girlfriend wasn't going to use the eliptical in kitten heels.
My affirmation? Today will be a better day. I have healthy lunch plans in mind, and tonight I have both a workout with my trainer AND an hour of yoga. Woot!
Food Log
Breakfast:
Instant oatmeal (strawberries & cream)
Lunch:
Culver's pork tenderloin sandwich
Fries
Medium root beer
Dinner:
Jimmy John's turkey sandwich
Medium iced tea
Snacks:
1/2 sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints
3 clementines
1 ice cream bar
Analysis - I effed myself over when I dug into those cookies at 9am. For me, sugar begets sugar, so if I start the day with crappy food, it screws me over all day long. For lunch, I was rushed. I took a late lunch because I had a doctor appointment, and I was trying to avoid taking too much time away from work. As a result, I ended up eating at 2:30pm. I was hungry, cranky from the sugar crash after mass quantities of cookies in the morning, and trying to find anything fast on the way back to the office. Enter the pork tenderloin sandwich and fries.
Many of my weeknights are packed - I'm away from home from 7:30am to 9:30pm on Mondays. By the time I was driving home, I was wiped. I made the mistake of stopping at the grocery store to buy a few healthier snacks for work, and in addition to almonds and vegan "jerky", I found myself throwing a box of Twix ice cream bars in my basket. Of course I cracked open the box on the way home and wolfed one down. In a fit of remorse, I tossed the rest of the box out the car window. I know, litterbug, right? But I guess I'm glad they're going to waste on the side of the road instead of going to waste on my ass.
After a very bad day of eating, at least I could have redeemed myself a bit with a good workout - I had left a gym bag under my desk so that I could use my downtime effectively. But alas, I forgot that my gym shoes weren't in the bag, and girlfriend wasn't going to use the eliptical in kitten heels.
My affirmation? Today will be a better day. I have healthy lunch plans in mind, and tonight I have both a workout with my trainer AND an hour of yoga. Woot!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Back in Business
So after a long hiatus from blogging, I think it's time to make this an integral part of my weight loss journey. I'm also going to start making more of my food logs public by posting them here. I think that will add some accountability and maybe I'll even get some feedback from readers! Here's the last seven months in a nutshell:
-In June, I did my first 5k. I walked nearly all of it, and didn't finish within the maximum time allowed. I got passed by pregnant ladies and old men. I couldn't breathe from the humidity (I occasionally get exercise-induced asthma). My husband, who ran it with me, all but said he was embarrassed to cross the finish line with me. But none of that really mattered, because I finished. And there's nowhere to go but up after a finish like that :)
-I hired a personal trainer, and have been working with them since September. This has given me a HUGE boost in setting (and keeping) and exercise routine. I now workout a minimum of three days a week, but usually do four or five.
-I've only lost about four pounds. Eating has been a bit of a struggle, especially with the holidays. My biggest downfall is the workday. I eat out almost every day, and while I feel I often make healthy choices, I do sometimes buy a cookie or other treat for the afternoon. My goal for 2012 is to get better about meal planning both for dinners AND lunches!
-I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism last year. I'm hoping this explains a lot about why the weight has been so hard to LOSE. I'm under no delusion that I can blame my weight gain on this. Oh no, I own that. But if it can explain why, even when I've been busting my assets in the gym and following my eating plan to the letter, I'm seeing lukewarm results at best.
I guess the other big news is that my husband and I are actively trying to conceive. We started really trying a couple of months ago. I'm sure that will be a topic of several blog entries in the near future!
I think that pretty accurately sums up the biggest weight loss-related events of 2011. Now, as promised, my food log! For now, I'll post what I ate the day before.
Breakfast:
-Morningstar vegetarian "sausage" patty, two
-Whole wheat English muffin with light, whipped cream cheese
-Coffee with flavored creamer
Lunch
-Amy's Organics ravioli with cheese
-Two shortbread cookies
Snacks
-Turkey jerky
-Two clementines
Dinner
-Ham, one half a thick slice
-Sauteed red cabbage and apples (yummy Weight Watchers recipe)
There are several things I'm trying to focus on with my diet this year. First, I'm trying to eat less meat. I was vegan for a while, and felt so good. When I married my husband (who is a carnivore), I added meat back into my diet, mostly out of laziness, but I was also a bit worried about my protein intake. I'd really like to get back to at least a vegetarian diet, but perhaps enjoy the occasional organic, free-range meat product. Second, I'm trying to eat less refined carbohydrates/sugar. Fruit is not an enemy, but I would like to drastically reduce bread and white flour, and of course, sugar. Third, and I think this one is most important, I'm really trying to reduce pre-packaged meals and preservatives/overly processed foods. One way I'm working on this is to eat out much less, and to prepare more meals at home.
Okay, I think that's enough for this first dip back into the blogging pool. Here's to many more in the coming year!
-In June, I did my first 5k. I walked nearly all of it, and didn't finish within the maximum time allowed. I got passed by pregnant ladies and old men. I couldn't breathe from the humidity (I occasionally get exercise-induced asthma). My husband, who ran it with me, all but said he was embarrassed to cross the finish line with me. But none of that really mattered, because I finished. And there's nowhere to go but up after a finish like that :)
-I hired a personal trainer, and have been working with them since September. This has given me a HUGE boost in setting (and keeping) and exercise routine. I now workout a minimum of three days a week, but usually do four or five.
-I've only lost about four pounds. Eating has been a bit of a struggle, especially with the holidays. My biggest downfall is the workday. I eat out almost every day, and while I feel I often make healthy choices, I do sometimes buy a cookie or other treat for the afternoon. My goal for 2012 is to get better about meal planning both for dinners AND lunches!
-I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism last year. I'm hoping this explains a lot about why the weight has been so hard to LOSE. I'm under no delusion that I can blame my weight gain on this. Oh no, I own that. But if it can explain why, even when I've been busting my assets in the gym and following my eating plan to the letter, I'm seeing lukewarm results at best.
I guess the other big news is that my husband and I are actively trying to conceive. We started really trying a couple of months ago. I'm sure that will be a topic of several blog entries in the near future!
I think that pretty accurately sums up the biggest weight loss-related events of 2011. Now, as promised, my food log! For now, I'll post what I ate the day before.
Breakfast:
-Morningstar vegetarian "sausage" patty, two
-Whole wheat English muffin with light, whipped cream cheese
-Coffee with flavored creamer
Lunch
-Amy's Organics ravioli with cheese
-Two shortbread cookies
Snacks
-Turkey jerky
-Two clementines
Dinner
-Ham, one half a thick slice
-Sauteed red cabbage and apples (yummy Weight Watchers recipe)
There are several things I'm trying to focus on with my diet this year. First, I'm trying to eat less meat. I was vegan for a while, and felt so good. When I married my husband (who is a carnivore), I added meat back into my diet, mostly out of laziness, but I was also a bit worried about my protein intake. I'd really like to get back to at least a vegetarian diet, but perhaps enjoy the occasional organic, free-range meat product. Second, I'm trying to eat less refined carbohydrates/sugar. Fruit is not an enemy, but I would like to drastically reduce bread and white flour, and of course, sugar. Third, and I think this one is most important, I'm really trying to reduce pre-packaged meals and preservatives/overly processed foods. One way I'm working on this is to eat out much less, and to prepare more meals at home.
Okay, I think that's enough for this first dip back into the blogging pool. Here's to many more in the coming year!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Success! Sort of...
So I'm done with my 10-week challenge. Oh holy lord. I probably didn't commit myself quite as fully as I could have - I missed some classes here and there, and I wasn't crazy-strict with my food intake. They really didn't address it much, but I know some people in my class were cutting out sugar, carbs, alcohol, downing protein shots, etc. I'm sure that helped them pull some big numbers, but I know me. If I got too crazy, I'd gain all the weight back and then some.
I only lost four pounds over the 10 week course. I'm a little disappointed in the loss, but I did lose 11 inches overall, and improved my time holding the wall squat and the plank, and did four more push-ups than I did 10 weeks ago. The program really did focus more on strength than cardio.
I think the biggest success with this program is that it got me motivated again to exercise with some regularity. I was getting rather sloth-like over the winter months! I am officially signed up for my first 5k in three weeks, and have plans to sign up for more. I think it will be good to get more cardio in if I'm going to speed up this weight loss. My husband and I have been fast-walking, and one of these days I may just break into a jog and shock the hell out of everyone.
The other success has been in my eating. I mentioned previously that I'd stay within my alotted fat/calories/etc. all week, eating healthy foods, and then Sunday would be a free day. Knowing that if I forego a treat (or a binge) during the week, I can have it just a few days later, has helped me make some better choices. This past Sunday, I tried to tell myself in my head that I should eat something "naughty" because I could - and my head said, "Nah, no big deal, don't really feel like it". It was a whole new way of thinking about food for me. As if once I realized I really could eat something on Sunday, I gave myself permission, and those "naughty" foods started to lose some of their allure.
I only lost four pounds over the 10 week course. I'm a little disappointed in the loss, but I did lose 11 inches overall, and improved my time holding the wall squat and the plank, and did four more push-ups than I did 10 weeks ago. The program really did focus more on strength than cardio.
I think the biggest success with this program is that it got me motivated again to exercise with some regularity. I was getting rather sloth-like over the winter months! I am officially signed up for my first 5k in three weeks, and have plans to sign up for more. I think it will be good to get more cardio in if I'm going to speed up this weight loss. My husband and I have been fast-walking, and one of these days I may just break into a jog and shock the hell out of everyone.
The other success has been in my eating. I mentioned previously that I'd stay within my alotted fat/calories/etc. all week, eating healthy foods, and then Sunday would be a free day. Knowing that if I forego a treat (or a binge) during the week, I can have it just a few days later, has helped me make some better choices. This past Sunday, I tried to tell myself in my head that I should eat something "naughty" because I could - and my head said, "Nah, no big deal, don't really feel like it". It was a whole new way of thinking about food for me. As if once I realized I really could eat something on Sunday, I gave myself permission, and those "naughty" foods started to lose some of their allure.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I Want A New Drug
So I've been continuing my therapy sessions - it's been really helpful to talk about issues that can trigger eating. Plus it's nice to know that this person's only job is to listen to be babble. She actually gets paid to hear me whine about my day! Everyone should have this!
Today we talked about depression. When I was in college, I was diagnosed with depression - it was a particularly stressful time for me. I can't pinpoint it to any real reason, except that things seemed to compound. I couldn't seem to get off the couch to go to class, which impacted my grades, which made me feel worse, which impacted my relationships with friends, which made me feel worse, etc. At one point I was curled up in a corner of my room, staring blankly at the floor. That scared me. I saw a psychiatrist at my mother's recommendation, and with my pal Prozac, I was able to face the world again. It really did help, and between that and other exciting things going on in my life, I kind of got back on track.
I've been off medication for nine years, but as we spoke today, I started to think about all of the low points over the last decade. After I stopped taking medication, I struggled with staying motivated for...well, anything. When I got particularly stressed about work, I can recall completely letting go. When I lived on my own, there were months where my housekeeping would become so terrible that I wouldn't let people inside my place. I remember looking around apathetically, thinking I could easily let myself completely slip and be found years later buried in my own rubble. I really let my finances go at one point as well - I just stopped paying for stuff. I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of that years later.
My therapist said she thinks the depression has always been there. It never went away. I've just been better at coping with it when things were "normal" in my life. When stressors appear, my coping mechanisms go away.
She recommended contacting my PCP - to see about getting back on antidepressants. I think it's the way to go. I think in combination with all the other efforts I'm making - exercise, better diet, talk therapy, it may be just the thing to help me feel like me again. Oh shit, now I'm in tears writing this. Calling the doctor tomorrow.
Today we talked about depression. When I was in college, I was diagnosed with depression - it was a particularly stressful time for me. I can't pinpoint it to any real reason, except that things seemed to compound. I couldn't seem to get off the couch to go to class, which impacted my grades, which made me feel worse, which impacted my relationships with friends, which made me feel worse, etc. At one point I was curled up in a corner of my room, staring blankly at the floor. That scared me. I saw a psychiatrist at my mother's recommendation, and with my pal Prozac, I was able to face the world again. It really did help, and between that and other exciting things going on in my life, I kind of got back on track.
I've been off medication for nine years, but as we spoke today, I started to think about all of the low points over the last decade. After I stopped taking medication, I struggled with staying motivated for...well, anything. When I got particularly stressed about work, I can recall completely letting go. When I lived on my own, there were months where my housekeeping would become so terrible that I wouldn't let people inside my place. I remember looking around apathetically, thinking I could easily let myself completely slip and be found years later buried in my own rubble. I really let my finances go at one point as well - I just stopped paying for stuff. I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of that years later.
My therapist said she thinks the depression has always been there. It never went away. I've just been better at coping with it when things were "normal" in my life. When stressors appear, my coping mechanisms go away.
She recommended contacting my PCP - to see about getting back on antidepressants. I think it's the way to go. I think in combination with all the other efforts I'm making - exercise, better diet, talk therapy, it may be just the thing to help me feel like me again. Oh shit, now I'm in tears writing this. Calling the doctor tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I Quit Weight Watchers
I finally faced up to reality and cancelled my monthly pass to Weight Watchers.
I haven't been going to meetings, and I've been using Spark People (which is free) to track my eating. As I thought about it, I always said the only time I was successful at losing a lot of weight was on Weight Watchers. That's not true. The only time I was successful at losing a lot of weight was by writing down my food intake every day and working out like crazy. I joined Weight Watchers at the very end, and lost a few more pounds to be at a happy, comfortable weight. Shortly after, I moved, started a new job, and started to slowly put the weight back on. I think as a result, I credited Weight Watchers with my weight loss, and blamed the lack thereof for putting the weight back on.
Now don't get me wrong. I think WW is a great program. I'm just starting to question if it's really what's best for me. The times I've lost weight, it's been as a result of something else - for example, in 2008 I dropped about 35 pounds while also going to WW meetings with my mother. But the reality is, I actually changed my eating habits, starting with a 3 week detox that eliminated meat, sugar, alcohol and gluten from my diet. Of course I lost weight! I've also rejoined the program at least a million times. I need something that I can stick with.
I think going with Spark People for free is a good start. It's helping me see patterns in my eating - for example, yesterday I was really good all day. Followed my plan with a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch, was well within range of my calorie goal for the day. I got home, though, and I was hungry right away. I lost all focus. I started to graze - on the bottom of a bag of chips, on a can of artichoke hearts, on a mini ice cream cone (from Trader Joes, called "Hold the Cone", only 70 calories, yummy!), then a bagel with smoked cheddar on it. I learned from tracking that (afterwards) that post-work, especially if my husband isn't home to judge me, is a dangerous time for me. Something about that relaxed "ah, I'm finally home" feeling, switching into stretchy pants, and my resolve starts to get comfortable as well.
To help me with this, I've decided to play a mind game with myself. If I stay within my caloric goals each day Monday through Saturday, Sunday will be a free-for-all. All the crap that might tempt me all week will be fair game on that day. I've actually seen research that this kind of eating can be good for your metabolism. It prevents your body from going into starvation mode with all the reduced eating the rest of the week, and it causes your body to work extra hard to burn off those calories. You can only do it one day, though - no "oops, I guess Tuesday will be a free-for-all, too". It also schedules nicely with my Monday - Saturday exercise. It really does leave me Sunday as a true day of rest, and maybe knowing that I only have to be good for six days will give me the resolve I need to power through the week.
Here's to Sunday!
I haven't been going to meetings, and I've been using Spark People (which is free) to track my eating. As I thought about it, I always said the only time I was successful at losing a lot of weight was on Weight Watchers. That's not true. The only time I was successful at losing a lot of weight was by writing down my food intake every day and working out like crazy. I joined Weight Watchers at the very end, and lost a few more pounds to be at a happy, comfortable weight. Shortly after, I moved, started a new job, and started to slowly put the weight back on. I think as a result, I credited Weight Watchers with my weight loss, and blamed the lack thereof for putting the weight back on.
Now don't get me wrong. I think WW is a great program. I'm just starting to question if it's really what's best for me. The times I've lost weight, it's been as a result of something else - for example, in 2008 I dropped about 35 pounds while also going to WW meetings with my mother. But the reality is, I actually changed my eating habits, starting with a 3 week detox that eliminated meat, sugar, alcohol and gluten from my diet. Of course I lost weight! I've also rejoined the program at least a million times. I need something that I can stick with.
I think going with Spark People for free is a good start. It's helping me see patterns in my eating - for example, yesterday I was really good all day. Followed my plan with a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch, was well within range of my calorie goal for the day. I got home, though, and I was hungry right away. I lost all focus. I started to graze - on the bottom of a bag of chips, on a can of artichoke hearts, on a mini ice cream cone (from Trader Joes, called "Hold the Cone", only 70 calories, yummy!), then a bagel with smoked cheddar on it. I learned from tracking that (afterwards) that post-work, especially if my husband isn't home to judge me, is a dangerous time for me. Something about that relaxed "ah, I'm finally home" feeling, switching into stretchy pants, and my resolve starts to get comfortable as well.
To help me with this, I've decided to play a mind game with myself. If I stay within my caloric goals each day Monday through Saturday, Sunday will be a free-for-all. All the crap that might tempt me all week will be fair game on that day. I've actually seen research that this kind of eating can be good for your metabolism. It prevents your body from going into starvation mode with all the reduced eating the rest of the week, and it causes your body to work extra hard to burn off those calories. You can only do it one day, though - no "oops, I guess Tuesday will be a free-for-all, too". It also schedules nicely with my Monday - Saturday exercise. It really does leave me Sunday as a true day of rest, and maybe knowing that I only have to be good for six days will give me the resolve I need to power through the week.
Here's to Sunday!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Analyze This
So I finally found a therapist who deals with eating issues. I had my second session last night, and I think this might actually be a good fit. She battled binging and purging issues herself, and says she's been healthy for 30 years.
I wasn't sure how this would go down. Would I be lying on a couch? Would she ask me about my mother? I spent most of the first session perched on the edge of her sofa, completely on edge, my purse clutched on my lap. I finally started to unclench about 50 minutes into our hour session. During our first meeting, we talked about a lot - my history with weight, my family, my husband, my eating habits, my job, a lot. We didn't get into any big earth-shattering revelations, but it was nice to have someone who could really listen without judging. I left with an assignment - to bring in a written log of everything I had eaten for three days.
I'm no stranger to the food diary. Anyone who's been on Weight Watchers knows - "you bite it, you write it". Well, here's my mini-confession for the week. I haven't been going to Weight Watchers since I started this exercise plan about a month ago. With the hour at the gym every day, I haven't found another meeting time that works, and I've been bad about tracking. I decided to try a food tracker on www.sparkpeople.com - it's actually a pretty decent site, maybe a little too much going on, but it's free, and the nutrition tracker is helpful.
My other mini-confession? Even on Weight Watchers, I know I sometimes fudged on my eating. Instead of facing up to a place where I binged on calories, I would think, "Oh, I just won't write it down, and we'll call that my bonus points for the week." If I did it again? Covertly stuffed a donut down my gullet with my office door closed? "Well, surely I didn't use alllll of those points last time. Problem solved!" I never really faced the ugliness of a 20 oz. Culvers Concrete Mixer with vanilla custard, hot fudge and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
This time I was very careful to write down everything. I wanted to make sure my therapist saw every nasty detail. The reality? Is that there aren't many nasty details. My eating is overall really quite healthy and balanced. Until I get stressed. Namely stressed at work. Then I stuff my face with anything I can get my hands on, including candy from the candy dish, vending machine delights, and 20 oz. ice cream treats. (By the way, that Concrete Mixer? Almost 1000 calories.) I am truly an emotional eater.
My bigger revelation came yesterday. She asked me about what age I first realized I was overweight, or felt like I was fat. I thought back in time, and realized that I always expected to be fat as a little kid. I was pretty average-sized, but my family was always overweight. I remember visiting a shoe store as a 7-year-old with my mom. The saleslady was tall, and overweight. Not obese, just a little on the large size. She looked like she was still quite active, and had very thick legs. After we were done in the store, and walking around the mall, I said to my mother, "I hope I look like her when I grow up". Mom drug me back to the store to tell the lady, thinking I had paid her such a nice compliment. The reality was, in my 7-year-old head, I was thinking it was my fate to be fat. When I told my mother I wanted to look like the saleslady, the sentence should have ended with, "...instead of looking like the rest of our family." Thank God I had the tact not to say it.
That was many years ago. After telling the story to my therapist, she responded with, "Do you think, deep down, that you still believe it's your fate to look like your mother?" I couldn't help myself. My emotions betrayed me, and the tears started flowing. I nodded silently. Could I really be sabotaging my own weight loss efforts with a deep-seeded belief that I am destined to be fat?
Clearly there's a lot more to discuss and think about. My assignment this week is to do a dominant/non-dominant hand journal entry. I'm supposed to wait until I'm very stressed/emotional about something, and then start writing with my dominant hand. Let it all out, don't hold back. Then I'm supposed to switch to my non-dominant hand and picture 7-year-old me, thinking I'm destined to wear bathing suits with skirts for the rest of my life, and ask that girl, "What do you need from me?" Apparently, the non-intellectual half of my brain will come up with something interesting.
We'll see.
I wasn't sure how this would go down. Would I be lying on a couch? Would she ask me about my mother? I spent most of the first session perched on the edge of her sofa, completely on edge, my purse clutched on my lap. I finally started to unclench about 50 minutes into our hour session. During our first meeting, we talked about a lot - my history with weight, my family, my husband, my eating habits, my job, a lot. We didn't get into any big earth-shattering revelations, but it was nice to have someone who could really listen without judging. I left with an assignment - to bring in a written log of everything I had eaten for three days.
I'm no stranger to the food diary. Anyone who's been on Weight Watchers knows - "you bite it, you write it". Well, here's my mini-confession for the week. I haven't been going to Weight Watchers since I started this exercise plan about a month ago. With the hour at the gym every day, I haven't found another meeting time that works, and I've been bad about tracking. I decided to try a food tracker on www.sparkpeople.com - it's actually a pretty decent site, maybe a little too much going on, but it's free, and the nutrition tracker is helpful.
My other mini-confession? Even on Weight Watchers, I know I sometimes fudged on my eating. Instead of facing up to a place where I binged on calories, I would think, "Oh, I just won't write it down, and we'll call that my bonus points for the week." If I did it again? Covertly stuffed a donut down my gullet with my office door closed? "Well, surely I didn't use alllll of those points last time. Problem solved!" I never really faced the ugliness of a 20 oz. Culvers Concrete Mixer with vanilla custard, hot fudge and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
This time I was very careful to write down everything. I wanted to make sure my therapist saw every nasty detail. The reality? Is that there aren't many nasty details. My eating is overall really quite healthy and balanced. Until I get stressed. Namely stressed at work. Then I stuff my face with anything I can get my hands on, including candy from the candy dish, vending machine delights, and 20 oz. ice cream treats. (By the way, that Concrete Mixer? Almost 1000 calories.) I am truly an emotional eater.
My bigger revelation came yesterday. She asked me about what age I first realized I was overweight, or felt like I was fat. I thought back in time, and realized that I always expected to be fat as a little kid. I was pretty average-sized, but my family was always overweight. I remember visiting a shoe store as a 7-year-old with my mom. The saleslady was tall, and overweight. Not obese, just a little on the large size. She looked like she was still quite active, and had very thick legs. After we were done in the store, and walking around the mall, I said to my mother, "I hope I look like her when I grow up". Mom drug me back to the store to tell the lady, thinking I had paid her such a nice compliment. The reality was, in my 7-year-old head, I was thinking it was my fate to be fat. When I told my mother I wanted to look like the saleslady, the sentence should have ended with, "...instead of looking like the rest of our family." Thank God I had the tact not to say it.
That was many years ago. After telling the story to my therapist, she responded with, "Do you think, deep down, that you still believe it's your fate to look like your mother?" I couldn't help myself. My emotions betrayed me, and the tears started flowing. I nodded silently. Could I really be sabotaging my own weight loss efforts with a deep-seeded belief that I am destined to be fat?
Clearly there's a lot more to discuss and think about. My assignment this week is to do a dominant/non-dominant hand journal entry. I'm supposed to wait until I'm very stressed/emotional about something, and then start writing with my dominant hand. Let it all out, don't hold back. Then I'm supposed to switch to my non-dominant hand and picture 7-year-old me, thinking I'm destined to wear bathing suits with skirts for the rest of my life, and ask that girl, "What do you need from me?" Apparently, the non-intellectual half of my brain will come up with something interesting.
We'll see.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Seriously?
Today I took a little walk down to our company store. My job requires that we wear shirts embroidered with the company logo, and I decided I needed a couple of new ones for spring. I grabbed one off the shelf, and took it to the sales guy so that he could order one in my size with the appropriate embroidery. He asked what size I wanted, and I replied XXL (all my other company shirts are XL and XXL, so I felt pretty comfortable with that).
The guy actually eyes me up and down, hesitates, and says, "Are you sure? Those shirts run small." I about smacked him.
Shit like that is (one of the the many reasons) why I'm tired of being fat.
On a slightly related note, I have to share my new favorite healthy lunch item. I'm a huge fan of Trader Joes, I do a lot of organic shopping there. Recently I found their "Reduced Guilt" Pizza Primavera in the frozen section. It's a personal pizza for $1.99, and it's covered in eggplant, bell peppers, yellow squash and zucchini with a smattering of mozzerella cheese. It's got a nice flavor of herbs and spices, and really fills you up with all those veggies - look at them!
The guy actually eyes me up and down, hesitates, and says, "Are you sure? Those shirts run small." I about smacked him.
Shit like that is (one of the the many reasons) why I'm tired of being fat.
On a slightly related note, I have to share my new favorite healthy lunch item. I'm a huge fan of Trader Joes, I do a lot of organic shopping there. Recently I found their "Reduced Guilt" Pizza Primavera in the frozen section. It's a personal pizza for $1.99, and it's covered in eggplant, bell peppers, yellow squash and zucchini with a smattering of mozzerella cheese. It's got a nice flavor of herbs and spices, and really fills you up with all those veggies - look at them!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Cardio Week!
What a great weekend - spring is finally here! We had temperatures in the high 80s, and it was absolutely gorgeous. Another great piece of the weekend? All this exercise is paying off, and I am FULL of energy! I'm still sore, and my knees grumble at me when I stand after sitting too long, but otherwise I feel so good. Like I'm filled with tiger blood.
I've been working hard at keeping my eating in check. Saturday was a small hiccup, we had family over and they brought pizza (and chips, and cookies, and brownies, oh my!). I kept my pizza intake to four skinny pieces over the course of the day (lunch and dinner), avoided the brownies, and just had a few chips. I focused on family and conversation and chasing dogs around rather than all the food. Last night's dinner was almost all veggies! We broke out the grill, and I had grilled zucchini/peppers/mushrooms, a few small potatoes and some asparagus, and a delicious slice of homemade wheat bread. Nice!
I'm off to a good start for a great week - which just happens to be "Cardio Week" in my 10-week challenge. Apparently all the punching/kicking/jumping/hopping/hurling/sprinting in place we've been doing the first three weeks don't count as "cardio". I'm nervous for what this week will bring, we're to bring our kickboxing gloves every day as well as our mats (ab work evvey day, eek!). I'm unsure if this is just the focus for this week, or if it will be a lot more cardio going forward. I wouldn't mind if it is, since I know that's the way to burn off fat. So far, while I feel stronger and more energetic, I haven't seen a lot of lost inches. Things are starting to fit better, but I'm hoping the cardio will really start to shed some inches and pounds.
Woo hoo! Hopefully I'm still able to type by next week!
I've been working hard at keeping my eating in check. Saturday was a small hiccup, we had family over and they brought pizza (and chips, and cookies, and brownies, oh my!). I kept my pizza intake to four skinny pieces over the course of the day (lunch and dinner), avoided the brownies, and just had a few chips. I focused on family and conversation and chasing dogs around rather than all the food. Last night's dinner was almost all veggies! We broke out the grill, and I had grilled zucchini/peppers/mushrooms, a few small potatoes and some asparagus, and a delicious slice of homemade wheat bread. Nice!
I'm off to a good start for a great week - which just happens to be "Cardio Week" in my 10-week challenge. Apparently all the punching/kicking/jumping/hopping/hurling/sprinting in place we've been doing the first three weeks don't count as "cardio". I'm nervous for what this week will bring, we're to bring our kickboxing gloves every day as well as our mats (ab work evvey day, eek!). I'm unsure if this is just the focus for this week, or if it will be a lot more cardio going forward. I wouldn't mind if it is, since I know that's the way to burn off fat. So far, while I feel stronger and more energetic, I haven't seen a lot of lost inches. Things are starting to fit better, but I'm hoping the cardio will really start to shed some inches and pounds.
Woo hoo! Hopefully I'm still able to type by next week!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Week Two - And I'm Sick
Last week was week two of my challenge.
It was a way wimpy week.
On Friday the 19th I came home with a scratchy, dry throat. By Saturday morning, I was full-on sick. I spent the entire weekend on the couch in a blanket cocoon, watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and occasionally calling out, "I'm dyyyyyying!", to anyone who would listen. The dogs were greatly sympathetic and took post on the couch with me, occasionally licking my feet and my fingers (really their only method of comforting others).
I managed to make it to work on Monday, but I couldn't bring myself to exercise in front of people. I knew it would involve a great deal of wheezing and hacking and sniffling, and I wouldn't want to be next to me in a gym. I missed Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - by Thursday, I was still sick, but I knew I couldn't miss another class. So I trudged into my kickboxing class, all doped up on Sudafed and Robitussin.
The class was rough - we had a pint-sized instructor, and she was whirling around the bags like a mini-Mike Tyson on speed. Things had definitely increased in intensity during the second week, and I had been vacationing in Sofa City since last week. I tried to imagine that I was punching and kicking my germs away, hehe.
Friday was a lower body workout - the leg work isn't terrible, though my thighs and calves were trembling by the time we were done. It's the ab work that nearly killed me. Side planks, bicycles, none of those moves got any easier this time around.
I'm still sick - I can't believe it's been over a week! The cough has subsided a little bit, but I'm battling vertigo from all the congestion in my head.
The good news is I have pretty much no appetite. I can't taste anything, and the only thing that's appealing is chicken noodle soup. I've eaten cans of Campbells for the majority of my meals over the last 10 days. I'm sure my sodium intake is through the roof, but I'm keeping those calories down!
It was a way wimpy week.
On Friday the 19th I came home with a scratchy, dry throat. By Saturday morning, I was full-on sick. I spent the entire weekend on the couch in a blanket cocoon, watching "Jersey Shore" reruns and occasionally calling out, "I'm dyyyyyying!", to anyone who would listen. The dogs were greatly sympathetic and took post on the couch with me, occasionally licking my feet and my fingers (really their only method of comforting others).
I managed to make it to work on Monday, but I couldn't bring myself to exercise in front of people. I knew it would involve a great deal of wheezing and hacking and sniffling, and I wouldn't want to be next to me in a gym. I missed Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - by Thursday, I was still sick, but I knew I couldn't miss another class. So I trudged into my kickboxing class, all doped up on Sudafed and Robitussin.
The class was rough - we had a pint-sized instructor, and she was whirling around the bags like a mini-Mike Tyson on speed. Things had definitely increased in intensity during the second week, and I had been vacationing in Sofa City since last week. I tried to imagine that I was punching and kicking my germs away, hehe.
Friday was a lower body workout - the leg work isn't terrible, though my thighs and calves were trembling by the time we were done. It's the ab work that nearly killed me. Side planks, bicycles, none of those moves got any easier this time around.
I'm still sick - I can't believe it's been over a week! The cough has subsided a little bit, but I'm battling vertigo from all the congestion in my head.
The good news is I have pretty much no appetite. I can't taste anything, and the only thing that's appealing is chicken noodle soup. I've eaten cans of Campbells for the majority of my meals over the last 10 days. I'm sure my sodium intake is through the roof, but I'm keeping those calories down!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Plyo-what-trics?
So I'm wrapping up my first week of this crazy 10-week exercise plan. I was already sore after the assessment day on Monday, so I knew the rest of the week would be a treat! After we ended the assessment, the instructor said, "Tomorrow is plyometrics. It's the hardest workout, so drink lots of water and do lots of stretching." Great. Good idea. Make the hardest workout on the first day. It felt like college chemistry, where they try to weed out the dummies in the first week. I was terrified.
I walked in Tuesday after work, all kitted out in my new Old Navy workout gear (cheap and they come in XXL). One hour, 10 minute increments of intense cardio with 1 minute of rest in between. I guess plyometrics is latin for "60 minutes of hell".
I walked in Tuesday after work, all kitted out in my new Old Navy workout gear (cheap and they come in XXL). One hour, 10 minute increments of intense cardio with 1 minute of rest in between. I guess plyometrics is latin for "60 minutes of hell".
The class involved a LOT of jumping. Jumping in the air. Let's just say it's not easy to vertically propel 330 pounds off the ground. The jumping jacks were probably the worst. While most people feel comfortable waving their hands in the air (like they just don't care), I kept mine firmly anchored next to my chest. Despite two sports bras, my assets were not very secure with all the leaping around.
The second worst exercise was the burpie. What's a burpie, you may ask? If you were involved in the sadistic torture of adolescents known as high school athletics, you're probably familiar. For the rest of you, the burpie is an exercise that starts in a push-up pose. You fling your feet back, do a push-up, tuck your legs back in, leap up in the air, then crouch down, fling your legs out, and do another push-up. Rinse and repeat. Or at least that's how it's supposed to go. Mine look a little more like this: slowly lower self to ground, struggle to do one push-up on knees, struggle back up to feet, hurl self a few inches off the ground, wipe sweat from brow, slowly lower self to ground, struggle into push-up position, lower self a few inches on shaking arms...you get the idea. There's a reason I stay in the back of the room!
Wednesday was an upper body workout. Kettlebells, push-ups, pathetic attempts at chin-ups, and a variety of ab exercises that made me want to weep. I can crunch until the cows come home, but these workouts involved holding myself in very uncomfortable positions. Planks, side planks, holding my legs in the air at odd angles. I left that class with every muscle from my waist up shaking.
Yesterday was kickboxing. Now this one I really enjoyed. We got wraps and gloves, and I went to town on that punching bag. Jab, cross, hook, knee, roundhouse kick! I felt like a fat and less-intense Chuck Norris.
Today? I am sore. So sore. It hurts to lower myself to the toilet. The stairs make me want to cry. But that must mean it's working, right? Honestly, for all the kvetching, the feedback from my body is good. Today is a lower body workout, and tomorrow I finish out the week with yoga. I'm excited to see how much stronger I'll become over the next 9 weeks!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Smooth Operator
My favorite breakfast was, is and always will be a delicious fruit smoothie. A couple of years ago, I started a clean eating cleanse. I purged sugar, alcohol, meat, dairy and even gluten from my diet for 21 days - I'm still not sure how I did it. I'm convinced the only reason I was successful is because I wasn't married. The husband wouldn't let me throw out all the milk and booze these days! Anyway, it was during that time that I came up with my ultimate smoothie recipe. With my super-duper workout schedule, I've decided to dust off the blender and bring it back - along with a few modifications. The recipe is:
1 cup organic soy milk (any milk will do here, cow, soy, almond, etc.)
1 scoop vanilla EAS protein powder
1 banana
1/4 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened strawberries
I start with the banana and the milk and blend until the banana chunks are gone and the milk is frothy. Then add the protein powder and give the blender another punch. Now you can add your frozen fruit, and blend until your smoothie is a delicious pinky/purple color. This makes a pretty good serving - it fills my big pint glass and then some. The protein powder is not my favorite, it adds a grainy texture to the smoothie - but I know I'll need it with the strain I'm putting on my muscles! If you decide to do without the powder, I recommend about a tablespoon of agave nectar to sweeten things up a bit. Yummy!
Now post intense workout, you might want a little energy boost to help you recover. I like to do my Elvis special! The recipe:
1 cup (ice cold) soy milk (again, any milk product will do)
1 scoop chocolate EAS protein powder
1 banana
1 scant tablespoon of natural peanut butter
1/4 cup of ice
Throw the ingredients in the blender until smooth and enjoy! The ice measurement is a guesstimate - basically you just need a li'l somethin' somethin' to make this nice and cold. Trust me, a room temperature smoothie is nothing but nasty. Between the protein in the powder and the peanut butter and the potassium in the banana, your muscles will be singing your praises! (**disclaimer - I am neither a nutritionist nor a dietician nor a trainer nor a person with any kind of special training or knowledge about sports nutrition. Just saying.)
1 cup organic soy milk (any milk will do here, cow, soy, almond, etc.)
1 scoop vanilla EAS protein powder
1 banana
1/4 cup frozen unsweetened blueberries
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened strawberries
I start with the banana and the milk and blend until the banana chunks are gone and the milk is frothy. Then add the protein powder and give the blender another punch. Now you can add your frozen fruit, and blend until your smoothie is a delicious pinky/purple color. This makes a pretty good serving - it fills my big pint glass and then some. The protein powder is not my favorite, it adds a grainy texture to the smoothie - but I know I'll need it with the strain I'm putting on my muscles! If you decide to do without the powder, I recommend about a tablespoon of agave nectar to sweeten things up a bit. Yummy!
Now post intense workout, you might want a little energy boost to help you recover. I like to do my Elvis special! The recipe:
1 cup (ice cold) soy milk (again, any milk product will do)
1 scoop chocolate EAS protein powder
1 banana
1 scant tablespoon of natural peanut butter
1/4 cup of ice
Throw the ingredients in the blender until smooth and enjoy! The ice measurement is a guesstimate - basically you just need a li'l somethin' somethin' to make this nice and cold. Trust me, a room temperature smoothie is nothing but nasty. Between the protein in the powder and the peanut butter and the potassium in the banana, your muscles will be singing your praises! (**disclaimer - I am neither a nutritionist nor a dietician nor a trainer nor a person with any kind of special training or knowledge about sports nutrition. Just saying.)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Day One
Today was the first day of my 10 week "body makeover" challenge. I woke up at 4am (the day after DST starts - woof.) so that I could attend the 5am assessment. For the record, I will normally be attending a post-work time slot, because there ain't no way my ass is getting up at 4am for the next 10 weeks.
I had minimal information walking into the building this morning. I knew that there would be some fitness testing and I knew that I would have to have my "before" photo taken. They had sent a welcome email out a week or so ago, and it said I could wear either a "two piece swimsuit" (baaaaahahahahahaha!) or "shorts and a sports tank". I opted for the latter, since I haven't worn a two piece swimsuit since 1999. And I probably shouldn't have worn one since 1997. Other than that, I really wasn't sure what to expect.
I walked in and scanned the crowd, immediately trying to pick out anyone who might weigh the same as or more than me. There were a few people who looked like they would qualify as obese, but most people just looked moderately out of shape. There were a few hardcore athletic types, including a 50-year-old woman with Madonna-esque guns, bleach blonde hair and a tan that would make Fabio weep with envy. I found a spot next to the fattest person in the room, hoping I would look normal next to them.
The assessment, it turns out, was to consist of several stations, designed a lot like those Presidential Fitness Tests you did in school. There was a sit-up station, a push-up station, the sit-and-reach, chin-ups, planks and a wall sit. You also got weight, had measurements done, and then the dreaded picture. I completed all the physical tests, trying not to look too out of shape. My results were:
Sit-ups - did 47 in one minute
Wall sit - held for 1 min, 8 sec
Plank - held for 37 seconds
Push-ups - did 20, lady-style on my knees
Chin-up - 0
Sit-and-reach - 11 1/2 inches
I felt ok about most of these numbers, especially the wall sit - I beat out three dudes and all the women in my group. I figure my thighs are probably hella strong, carrying around all my extra weight. The plank was rough, I was the first one down. I honestly didn't even try to do a chin-up - if I couldn't do one in junior high when I weighed 130, I really doubt I'm going to be able to haul 200 more pounds up above that bar.
The measurements were as expected - I don't have those numbers as they kept them in my file, but I'll try to get them updated on here. My weight was a disappointment. I admit, I haven't been doing well the last few weeks. I think since I knew this was coming, I used it as an excuse to relax. As a result, I gained some weight. Oh, boo for me. Anyway, here's the down and dirty:
Weight - 331 lbs
BMI - 47.5
Fat Percentage - 53.4% (holy lord! I'm made up of 50% fat!)
Fat mass - 176.8 lbs
Fat-free mass - 154.2 lbs
Base metabolic rate - 2280 kcal
What does all that mean? Well, clearly I am obese. Ugh.
I was somewhat pleased to see that my fat-free mass (meaning everything in my body except fat, including bones, muscles, organs, etc.) was 154.2. This means I never have to even try for a weight under 150 pounds. And my base metabolic rate? I burn 2280 calories just being. We learn more about nutrition planning later this week.
Having my picture taken was the most humiliating part. They did snapshots in a supply closet, which felt a little dirty. They had my pose face forward, flexing my guns a la Jack LaLanne, then to the side, and then from behind. After she finished taking my picture, the girl with the camera commented, "Well, you have to start somewhere." I almost throat-punched her.
Overall, it was eye-opening - I'm excited to see what the next 10 weeks bring. Tomorrow is "plyometrics", which is a fancy word for cardio. I'm nervous, since I'm already sore just from the assessment this morning. I see lots of stretching (and maybe a few massages) in my future.
Wish me luck! Oh, and for your viewing pleasure, a few "before" pictures that I snapped in my powder room. Beware, you can't unsee these.
I had minimal information walking into the building this morning. I knew that there would be some fitness testing and I knew that I would have to have my "before" photo taken. They had sent a welcome email out a week or so ago, and it said I could wear either a "two piece swimsuit" (baaaaahahahahahaha!) or "shorts and a sports tank". I opted for the latter, since I haven't worn a two piece swimsuit since 1999. And I probably shouldn't have worn one since 1997. Other than that, I really wasn't sure what to expect.
I walked in and scanned the crowd, immediately trying to pick out anyone who might weigh the same as or more than me. There were a few people who looked like they would qualify as obese, but most people just looked moderately out of shape. There were a few hardcore athletic types, including a 50-year-old woman with Madonna-esque guns, bleach blonde hair and a tan that would make Fabio weep with envy. I found a spot next to the fattest person in the room, hoping I would look normal next to them.
The assessment, it turns out, was to consist of several stations, designed a lot like those Presidential Fitness Tests you did in school. There was a sit-up station, a push-up station, the sit-and-reach, chin-ups, planks and a wall sit. You also got weight, had measurements done, and then the dreaded picture. I completed all the physical tests, trying not to look too out of shape. My results were:
Sit-ups - did 47 in one minute
Wall sit - held for 1 min, 8 sec
Plank - held for 37 seconds
Push-ups - did 20, lady-style on my knees
Chin-up - 0
Sit-and-reach - 11 1/2 inches
I felt ok about most of these numbers, especially the wall sit - I beat out three dudes and all the women in my group. I figure my thighs are probably hella strong, carrying around all my extra weight. The plank was rough, I was the first one down. I honestly didn't even try to do a chin-up - if I couldn't do one in junior high when I weighed 130, I really doubt I'm going to be able to haul 200 more pounds up above that bar.
The measurements were as expected - I don't have those numbers as they kept them in my file, but I'll try to get them updated on here. My weight was a disappointment. I admit, I haven't been doing well the last few weeks. I think since I knew this was coming, I used it as an excuse to relax. As a result, I gained some weight. Oh, boo for me. Anyway, here's the down and dirty:
Weight - 331 lbs
BMI - 47.5
Fat Percentage - 53.4% (holy lord! I'm made up of 50% fat!)
Fat mass - 176.8 lbs
Fat-free mass - 154.2 lbs
Base metabolic rate - 2280 kcal
What does all that mean? Well, clearly I am obese. Ugh.
I was somewhat pleased to see that my fat-free mass (meaning everything in my body except fat, including bones, muscles, organs, etc.) was 154.2. This means I never have to even try for a weight under 150 pounds. And my base metabolic rate? I burn 2280 calories just being. We learn more about nutrition planning later this week.
Having my picture taken was the most humiliating part. They did snapshots in a supply closet, which felt a little dirty. They had my pose face forward, flexing my guns a la Jack LaLanne, then to the side, and then from behind. After she finished taking my picture, the girl with the camera commented, "Well, you have to start somewhere." I almost throat-punched her.
Overall, it was eye-opening - I'm excited to see what the next 10 weeks bring. Tomorrow is "plyometrics", which is a fancy word for cardio. I'm nervous, since I'm already sore just from the assessment this morning. I see lots of stretching (and maybe a few massages) in my future.
Wish me luck! Oh, and for your viewing pleasure, a few "before" pictures that I snapped in my powder room. Beware, you can't unsee these.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Work it, work it...
Exercise sucks. I'm serious. I don't care, you can say all you want about how great it feels, and the endorphins, blah, blah, blah. I say you're lying. There are a lot of things that I consider great fun, and none of them involve gasping for breath, sweat dripping into my eyes or sore muscles. Ok, ok, maybe one thing...
But the reality is, being fat sucks more. I am still really struggling with getting my eating under control. I have, however, been a LOT better about exercise.
I started doing EA Sports Active 2 in the comfort of my basement. I do have a gym membership, but if you've ever been 100+ pounds overweight, you know that sometimes it's scary to go to a mecca of fitness and tight bodies and struggle to do 20 minutes on the elliptical. So, it's me and my Wii. It's actually a pretty solid workout! We have Wii Fit as well, and even my out of shape ass knows that it's a joke of a workout. EA Sports Active 2 really does get your heart going (as is proven by the included heart rate monitor). It has a 9-week program and you program in which four days you want to work out every week. If you miss a day, you can make it up on one of your rest days.
The 9-week program is perfect, as it conveniently takes me right up to the start date of my super intense "fitness makeover" workout program that starts in March. I'm excited for that, but nervous as well. I actually had a dream that I came late on the first day, and everyone was already in groups working out. I walked over to my group - they were doing this torturous exercise that involved one person sitting on an imaginary chair, and then about 10 people sitting on his lap. They provided pants you could put on for "sanitary purposes". I frantically dug through the pile of pants so that I could join in, only to find out that the largest size still wouldn't fit me. So yeah, I'd say there's some anxiety around this...
But the reality is, being fat sucks more. I am still really struggling with getting my eating under control. I have, however, been a LOT better about exercise.
I started doing EA Sports Active 2 in the comfort of my basement. I do have a gym membership, but if you've ever been 100+ pounds overweight, you know that sometimes it's scary to go to a mecca of fitness and tight bodies and struggle to do 20 minutes on the elliptical. So, it's me and my Wii. It's actually a pretty solid workout! We have Wii Fit as well, and even my out of shape ass knows that it's a joke of a workout. EA Sports Active 2 really does get your heart going (as is proven by the included heart rate monitor). It has a 9-week program and you program in which four days you want to work out every week. If you miss a day, you can make it up on one of your rest days.
The 9-week program is perfect, as it conveniently takes me right up to the start date of my super intense "fitness makeover" workout program that starts in March. I'm excited for that, but nervous as well. I actually had a dream that I came late on the first day, and everyone was already in groups working out. I walked over to my group - they were doing this torturous exercise that involved one person sitting on an imaginary chair, and then about 10 people sitting on his lap. They provided pants you could put on for "sanitary purposes". I frantically dug through the pile of pants so that I could join in, only to find out that the largest size still wouldn't fit me. So yeah, I'd say there's some anxiety around this...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Moving Forward
I've had an okay week. I've been focused more on staying within my points, but it hasn't been particularly easy. For some reason, I am still having trouble with overeating - it seems almost compulsive at times. Based on my history with eating disorders and some of the other troubling signs (hiding food, eating in secrecy, etc.), I've made a decision to seek some therapy. I'm worried that whatever issues caused me to turn to anorexic and bulemic behavior in the past are still unresolved, and have been rearing their head in the form of binge eating and compulsive overeating. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, but it can't hurt to talk it out.
We've started an exercise plan, as well. My husband wants to lose some weight as well, so we've been getting up earlier in the morning, heading down to the basement and doing some moderate exercise every morning. It definitely helps set the tone for the day! I find myself less likely to eat destructively if I've done a little sweating in the morning. Something about knowing I almost died to burn off 200 calories makes me more reluctant to consume that same amount and then some in a single sitting.
I also signed myself up for a 10-week "body makeover" class. In mid March I start a program called Kosama - it's intense, one hour a day exercise consisting of kickboxing, plyometrics, yoga, etc. I'm looking forward to it - it includes some education and assistance with nutrition as well, plus I got a kick-ass deal on the enrollment fees. The best part is you have a chance to win some serious cash if you're selected as, for lack of a better term, the "biggest loser". I think it involves posting your before and after pictures on a website and allowing others to vote, which is humiliating...but motivating!
Tonight's dinner is baked organic chicken with organic mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. Nice and healthy! Hopefully it will make up for lunch...we went to a restaurant that makes its own homemade potato chips. I put away half a basket of those suckers - you truly cannot eat just one. It's all or nothing. Go big or go home. I chose to go big. Which is what my ass is doing right now.
We've started an exercise plan, as well. My husband wants to lose some weight as well, so we've been getting up earlier in the morning, heading down to the basement and doing some moderate exercise every morning. It definitely helps set the tone for the day! I find myself less likely to eat destructively if I've done a little sweating in the morning. Something about knowing I almost died to burn off 200 calories makes me more reluctant to consume that same amount and then some in a single sitting.
I also signed myself up for a 10-week "body makeover" class. In mid March I start a program called Kosama - it's intense, one hour a day exercise consisting of kickboxing, plyometrics, yoga, etc. I'm looking forward to it - it includes some education and assistance with nutrition as well, plus I got a kick-ass deal on the enrollment fees. The best part is you have a chance to win some serious cash if you're selected as, for lack of a better term, the "biggest loser". I think it involves posting your before and after pictures on a website and allowing others to vote, which is humiliating...but motivating!
Tonight's dinner is baked organic chicken with organic mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. Nice and healthy! Hopefully it will make up for lunch...we went to a restaurant that makes its own homemade potato chips. I put away half a basket of those suckers - you truly cannot eat just one. It's all or nothing. Go big or go home. I chose to go big. Which is what my ass is doing right now.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Why
I'm a smart kid. I know how to set up action plans and achieve goals with measurable steps. I'm successful. All of this applies to almost every single aspect of my personal and professional life. Except for my weight. I think that has been the most frustrating part of finding myself at over 300 pounds. Why shouldn't a smart, capable woman be able to overcome this with ease? Well, I think it's time I started to apply some of my business smarts to this weight loss.
Whenever I am given a goal (or give a goal or project to someone else), I find the most best way to motivate or be motivated is to understand why the goal is important. What will success bring? What does success look like? Why can't we just carry on doing things the way we've always been doing things? Change is scary, even for the most vetted change agent. Even if the way "we've always been doing things" is terrible and wrong. Or even deadly. The old "devil you know" adage.
To help myself out, I'm going to write a handy list of why I need to, want to, have to lose this weight! Get excited...here is...THE LIST!
1. I want to have children. We are hoping to get pregnant this year, but I am under no false hopes that my weight may not make things more difficult. I also have read horror stories of obese pregnant women essentially being treated like garbage by the doctor on call, assuming they are more likely to be an issue than a "normal" woman. I also worry about gaining even more weight with a pregnancy. If I can't say no to Chinese takeout now, what will I be like with baby hormones coursing through my body?
2. I know my health will eventually suffer if I don't shake this. Right now, my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. all fall well within the "healthy" range. I can only assume that this is because I haven't always been fat. My body is clinging to any residual health benefits I have left from being thinner and more athletic.
3. My joints are starting to ache more. My ankles are stiff, and my knees hurt. I'm too young to feel like an old lady.
4. I want to wear high heels. Even at 260 pounds, I had a cute pair of heeled boots. Now this may be because they were cheap Target shoes, but I only wore them a few times before the heel literally started to bend. I think I'm harder on shoes in general because of my weight. And I think it's harder on my feet. Putting all of your weight on the balls of your feet is different when you're only 150 pounds versus my mass.
5. I don't want to worry about fitting into chairs. I've yet to find a chair I can't sit in (I'm not THAT big), but airplane seats are tight and uncomfortable. I do find myself now eyeballing chairs with armrests to decide if I need to find an alternative.
6. I don't want to worry about fitting into rides! I love roller coasters, and we're hoping to visit a few this summer. I haven't been in a couple of years, but even 30-40 pounds ago, it was a tight fit to get some of the shoulder harnesses closed over my chest. Eek! I can't imagine the shame of being asked to get off of a ride (in front of the cruel stares of hundreds of children) because you're too fat to ride.
7. I want to be able to shop wherever I want. Not only am I fat, but I'm tall. I'm already relegated to pretty much shopping only at Lane Bryant when I go to a mall, and then they go and get rid of many of their long lengths in the store. I recently split my only pair of jeans that fit (my thighs apparently rubbed the fabric thin enough that the fabric ripped), and I can't find any to replace them. I have to remind myself that when I lose more weight, I have many sizes of smaller jeans waiting for me!
8. I want to be able to exercise freely without getting winded or tired too soon. I've found myself opting out of more strenuous or athletic activities with friends for fear I'll embarrass myself.
9. I want to look good. I feel slovenly and unattractive. I was never terribly self-confident, but I at least felt like I could be attractive and catch a few looks when I went out. Now I feel (and often wish I were) invisible.
10. I want to be attractive to my husband. I know he loves me, but he must see the weight and be concerned. I don't want his friends to judge me for being fat. I want them to say, "Wow, Mr. Pounds, your wife is hot!" It definitely impacts our sex life because I don't feel attractive or sexy. When he's not "in the mood", I read it as him being turned off by me, and I have stopped making advances.
I know this list is not all-inclusive, but it's a start. I'm sure my reasons will adjust and change over time. I do know that I'll be referring back to this list on days when I'm feeling weak or like it's just not worth it. Because it is. And I am.
Whenever I am given a goal (or give a goal or project to someone else), I find the most best way to motivate or be motivated is to understand why the goal is important. What will success bring? What does success look like? Why can't we just carry on doing things the way we've always been doing things? Change is scary, even for the most vetted change agent. Even if the way "we've always been doing things" is terrible and wrong. Or even deadly. The old "devil you know" adage.
To help myself out, I'm going to write a handy list of why I need to, want to, have to lose this weight! Get excited...here is...THE LIST!
1. I want to have children. We are hoping to get pregnant this year, but I am under no false hopes that my weight may not make things more difficult. I also have read horror stories of obese pregnant women essentially being treated like garbage by the doctor on call, assuming they are more likely to be an issue than a "normal" woman. I also worry about gaining even more weight with a pregnancy. If I can't say no to Chinese takeout now, what will I be like with baby hormones coursing through my body?
2. I know my health will eventually suffer if I don't shake this. Right now, my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. all fall well within the "healthy" range. I can only assume that this is because I haven't always been fat. My body is clinging to any residual health benefits I have left from being thinner and more athletic.
3. My joints are starting to ache more. My ankles are stiff, and my knees hurt. I'm too young to feel like an old lady.
4. I want to wear high heels. Even at 260 pounds, I had a cute pair of heeled boots. Now this may be because they were cheap Target shoes, but I only wore them a few times before the heel literally started to bend. I think I'm harder on shoes in general because of my weight. And I think it's harder on my feet. Putting all of your weight on the balls of your feet is different when you're only 150 pounds versus my mass.
5. I don't want to worry about fitting into chairs. I've yet to find a chair I can't sit in (I'm not THAT big), but airplane seats are tight and uncomfortable. I do find myself now eyeballing chairs with armrests to decide if I need to find an alternative.
6. I don't want to worry about fitting into rides! I love roller coasters, and we're hoping to visit a few this summer. I haven't been in a couple of years, but even 30-40 pounds ago, it was a tight fit to get some of the shoulder harnesses closed over my chest. Eek! I can't imagine the shame of being asked to get off of a ride (in front of the cruel stares of hundreds of children) because you're too fat to ride.
7. I want to be able to shop wherever I want. Not only am I fat, but I'm tall. I'm already relegated to pretty much shopping only at Lane Bryant when I go to a mall, and then they go and get rid of many of their long lengths in the store. I recently split my only pair of jeans that fit (my thighs apparently rubbed the fabric thin enough that the fabric ripped), and I can't find any to replace them. I have to remind myself that when I lose more weight, I have many sizes of smaller jeans waiting for me!
8. I want to be able to exercise freely without getting winded or tired too soon. I've found myself opting out of more strenuous or athletic activities with friends for fear I'll embarrass myself.
9. I want to look good. I feel slovenly and unattractive. I was never terribly self-confident, but I at least felt like I could be attractive and catch a few looks when I went out. Now I feel (and often wish I were) invisible.
10. I want to be attractive to my husband. I know he loves me, but he must see the weight and be concerned. I don't want his friends to judge me for being fat. I want them to say, "Wow, Mr. Pounds, your wife is hot!" It definitely impacts our sex life because I don't feel attractive or sexy. When he's not "in the mood", I read it as him being turned off by me, and I have stopped making advances.
I know this list is not all-inclusive, but it's a start. I'm sure my reasons will adjust and change over time. I do know that I'll be referring back to this list on days when I'm feeling weak or like it's just not worth it. Because it is. And I am.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Where did the wagon go?
I'm so far off it, I can't even see it any more.
This was another rough week. I've been starting off the day ok, but then it all goes to hell in a handbasket by mid-afternoon. I need to pinpoint exactly what drives me to overeat/eat crap, and more importantly, figure out how to combat it. I'm scared to go to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, I'm not gonna lie.
I've been at this point before - a couple of bad weeks and next thing you know, I've given up. The last time this happened was after our wedding. I wound up packing on 35 pounds. I have to get this back under control before I have to rename my blog "189 Pounds".
Let's examine today. I drove through Starbucks (I had to be in to work a little early, so this was easier than making breakfast) and ordered a fat-free latte and a reduced fat breakfast sandwich. Around mid-morning, I had an apple. So far, so good. I was busy with work, so I didn't have time to think too much about snacking or being hungry. I had lunch at 11:30, a Weight Watchers frozen meal, some raw green pepper slices, and some organic cherry tomatoes. I also had a Laughing Cow cheese wedge and a few water crackers. I didn't have anything else until about 4:30pm. I knew I had about an hour of work left, everyone else in the department was gone, and I was tired. I went to the vending machine and got Fritos, a Snickers bar and a Pepsi. I about inhaled the chips and the candy bar, but I stopped myself after about 1/3 of the soda. On the way home, I stopped at a Wal-Mart for some necessities, and I swung through the bakery department. I bought a package of five cream horns and ate three of them on the drive home. I was so disgusted with myself I tossed the rest of the package out the car window. I also was embarrassed that my husband might see the package in my car and know what I'd done. Dinner wasn't too bad - pasta, organic vodka sauce with a little bit of organic chicken.
If I analyze today, the breakdown started when I was a little bit bored, tired and stressed. I'm also right in the throes of PMS. And my lunch was lacking in protein, so maybe my body was trying to compensate.
I will be going to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, and will have to deal with the consequences of my actions - and I'll be looking for the wagon in the morning so I can climb back aboard.
This was another rough week. I've been starting off the day ok, but then it all goes to hell in a handbasket by mid-afternoon. I need to pinpoint exactly what drives me to overeat/eat crap, and more importantly, figure out how to combat it. I'm scared to go to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, I'm not gonna lie.
I've been at this point before - a couple of bad weeks and next thing you know, I've given up. The last time this happened was after our wedding. I wound up packing on 35 pounds. I have to get this back under control before I have to rename my blog "189 Pounds".
Let's examine today. I drove through Starbucks (I had to be in to work a little early, so this was easier than making breakfast) and ordered a fat-free latte and a reduced fat breakfast sandwich. Around mid-morning, I had an apple. So far, so good. I was busy with work, so I didn't have time to think too much about snacking or being hungry. I had lunch at 11:30, a Weight Watchers frozen meal, some raw green pepper slices, and some organic cherry tomatoes. I also had a Laughing Cow cheese wedge and a few water crackers. I didn't have anything else until about 4:30pm. I knew I had about an hour of work left, everyone else in the department was gone, and I was tired. I went to the vending machine and got Fritos, a Snickers bar and a Pepsi. I about inhaled the chips and the candy bar, but I stopped myself after about 1/3 of the soda. On the way home, I stopped at a Wal-Mart for some necessities, and I swung through the bakery department. I bought a package of five cream horns and ate three of them on the drive home. I was so disgusted with myself I tossed the rest of the package out the car window. I also was embarrassed that my husband might see the package in my car and know what I'd done. Dinner wasn't too bad - pasta, organic vodka sauce with a little bit of organic chicken.
If I analyze today, the breakdown started when I was a little bit bored, tired and stressed. I'm also right in the throes of PMS. And my lunch was lacking in protein, so maybe my body was trying to compensate.
I will be going to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, and will have to deal with the consequences of my actions - and I'll be looking for the wagon in the morning so I can climb back aboard.
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