Friday, December 31, 2010
Jumping off point
Just to give you an idea of what we're working with here...
Wow, that hurts to look at. This will be a good comparison when 154 pounds are gone!
Past efforts
You must be thinking...how does one let themselves gain that much weight and not DO something about it??
Well, I have tried. When you hear people like Oprah say, "I've tried everything!", it's probably true. Sometimes it's successful. Sometimes it's not. If you read my last post, you saw that my weight has gone up and down, but mostly up over the last decade. The downs were a result of a diet. The ups? Well, all that they say about yo-yo dieting and gaining back more than you lost is true. Let's revisit what I've tried...
Severe calorie restriction
Purging
Slim Fast
Diet pills
Weight Watchers
Slim Fast
Lean Cuisine Meals
Weight Watchers
NutriSystem
South Beach Diet
Weight Watchers
HCG drops
Herbal detox
Weight Watchers
It's no typo - Weight Watchers is indeed on that list four times. I signed up just before the holidays for what I have to believe is the last time. I really do feel it's probably the best plan out there, and my rebounds in the past have been after I've left Weight Watchers and said, "I can do this on my own". Well guess what. My scale tells me I can't.
I could also add to this list countless gym memberships, including a very expensive and unsuccessful period of time with a personal trainer.
If there's one thing all of this has taught me (other than wondering how much money I could have saved if I had any self control), it's that there is no substitute for healthy food, portion control and exercise. None.
Well, I have tried. When you hear people like Oprah say, "I've tried everything!", it's probably true. Sometimes it's successful. Sometimes it's not. If you read my last post, you saw that my weight has gone up and down, but mostly up over the last decade. The downs were a result of a diet. The ups? Well, all that they say about yo-yo dieting and gaining back more than you lost is true. Let's revisit what I've tried...
Severe calorie restriction
Purging
Slim Fast
Diet pills
Weight Watchers
Slim Fast
Lean Cuisine Meals
Weight Watchers
NutriSystem
South Beach Diet
Weight Watchers
HCG drops
Herbal detox
Weight Watchers
It's no typo - Weight Watchers is indeed on that list four times. I signed up just before the holidays for what I have to believe is the last time. I really do feel it's probably the best plan out there, and my rebounds in the past have been after I've left Weight Watchers and said, "I can do this on my own". Well guess what. My scale tells me I can't.
I could also add to this list countless gym memberships, including a very expensive and unsuccessful period of time with a personal trainer.
If there's one thing all of this has taught me (other than wondering how much money I could have saved if I had any self control), it's that there is no substitute for healthy food, portion control and exercise. None.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
154 Pounds
Welcome to my blog. You're about to read the confessions of a 324 pound woman. I'm embarking on a journey to lose this weight, once and for all. I've tried everything else, why not blogging?
Let's talk about my life right now. I can't shop at "normal" stores. I prefer to do all my shopping online, where I feel no one is judging me for shopping at the "fat" store. I'm ashamed to walk in to the Gap or Ann Taylor because I feel the glances and the judgmental thoughts: "She can't shop here, who does she think she is? She must be buying something for a friends. What a whale." When I sit in chairs with arms, I can feel the sides of my thighs pressing into them. I am uncomfortable in airplane seats. I get nervous in restaurants when we are seated in a booth - what if it's too tight and I don't fit? I have to be wary of weight limits and I'm terrified to visit an amusement park, because I would die of embarrassment if I found out I couldn't fit in the rides. I get winded walking up stairs. My ankles hurt. I hate having pictures of myself tagged on Facebook.
You're probably wondering who I am, and how I let myself get to be 324 pounds. Let's start with the basics. I'm in my early thirties. I'm a professional with a masters degree. I'm married to a wonderful man and live in a lovely home in the suburbs with my husband and dogs. I'm well-traveled, I've lived in cities big and small, I love music and reading and spending time with my friends with a good glass of wine. I love fashion.
I wasn't always fat.
Take a walk back in time with me.
I was an average child. I was always tall for my age, and probably just slightly on the chubby side. Back then, it was more noticeable because fewer children were overweight. I still recall some of the verbal abuse I took during junior high. Nothing hurts worse as a 12-year-old girl than to be called fat. Or ugly. But overall, I was happy. I had good friends, my parents loved me, and I was somewhat active. I tried ice skating and softball, dance and piano.
By high school, I was busy as can be. I was still a little on the chubby side, but as I grew taller and more active, I was a solid size 10/12. At 5'10", I weighed in around 150-160. I was on the swim team, I danced, I was active in the marching band, all of that activity kept me in great shape. My sophomore year I discovered dieting. We frequently went on the "lose 10 pounds in 3 days" type diets, and began to track what I ate religiously. I slimmed down even more, and I loved the attention it garnered. By my senior year, I was extremely cautious about what I put in my mouth. Lunch was often just a Crystal Light. A NutriGrain bar would sometimes be enough to get me through the day. By the time I was ready to leave for college, my head had started to look too big for my body.
College began, and I drank. I still didn't eat much, but the beer calories started to take their toll. I fleshed out just a little bit. I found a serious boyfriend, and over the course of my freshman year, aided by beer, late night snacks, hormonal birth control pills and the confidence that young love brings, I slowly packed on about 20 pounds. I was still comfortably in the size 12/14 range, which on my frame, looked healthy. Just before my sophomore year, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was a tough break up, and I comforted myself with excessive drinking and the sweet, sweet love of Ben and Jerry. I crept up to almost 200 pounds, a size 14/16, and there I would stay for the remainder of my college career. I fluctuated up and down within a 20 pound range, but nothing drastic.
After college, I lived abroad for a time, and then came back to America to begin working. I added some weight - I was no longer walking everywhere, and I was probably a little depressed. I hated my job, I was working for peanuts, and I was living with my parents. I had gained a little weight living abroad, but back in the States, my weight climbed to 275 over the course of a year. I made the decision to go to grad school, where, thanks to more walking and not being able to afford food, I got my weight back down to about 200 pounds. I was happy at that weight.
After grad school, I got a high paying, high stress job. I also had near constant access to food in the workplace. A favorite activity for my boss and the management team was to meet over breakfast each morning to plan out the day. In one year, I gained 35 pounds. The company relocated me to a larger metro area. I lived alone. The job became even more high stress. I still had near constant access to food. In three years, my weight climbed from 235 to 303 pounds.
Two years ago, I left the high stress job and the large metro area. I lost a little bit of weight through careful eating and exercise, and got back down to 270. Then met my husband. Again, comfortable with being in love, and despite a looming wedding, I let my weight creep back up. First to 290. Then to 316. Then I noticed my fat clothes were getting too tight. I decided to face the scale. 324. My highest weight ever.
I must change. For my future. I want to have children, I want to live healthy, I want to be able to shop at the goddamn Gap again!
I can't promise that this blog will contain any answers. But I can promise that it will be honest. I can promise that I am commited to sharing my thoughts, my struggles, and my triumphs throughout this process. I hope it will have some laughs. I know there will be some heartache. But I hope you will join me - even if I have to create an imaginary readership out there, rooting me on, this will be an important part of this journey.
Let's talk about my life right now. I can't shop at "normal" stores. I prefer to do all my shopping online, where I feel no one is judging me for shopping at the "fat" store. I'm ashamed to walk in to the Gap or Ann Taylor because I feel the glances and the judgmental thoughts: "She can't shop here, who does she think she is? She must be buying something for a friends. What a whale." When I sit in chairs with arms, I can feel the sides of my thighs pressing into them. I am uncomfortable in airplane seats. I get nervous in restaurants when we are seated in a booth - what if it's too tight and I don't fit? I have to be wary of weight limits and I'm terrified to visit an amusement park, because I would die of embarrassment if I found out I couldn't fit in the rides. I get winded walking up stairs. My ankles hurt. I hate having pictures of myself tagged on Facebook.
You're probably wondering who I am, and how I let myself get to be 324 pounds. Let's start with the basics. I'm in my early thirties. I'm a professional with a masters degree. I'm married to a wonderful man and live in a lovely home in the suburbs with my husband and dogs. I'm well-traveled, I've lived in cities big and small, I love music and reading and spending time with my friends with a good glass of wine. I love fashion.
I wasn't always fat.
Take a walk back in time with me.
I was an average child. I was always tall for my age, and probably just slightly on the chubby side. Back then, it was more noticeable because fewer children were overweight. I still recall some of the verbal abuse I took during junior high. Nothing hurts worse as a 12-year-old girl than to be called fat. Or ugly. But overall, I was happy. I had good friends, my parents loved me, and I was somewhat active. I tried ice skating and softball, dance and piano.
By high school, I was busy as can be. I was still a little on the chubby side, but as I grew taller and more active, I was a solid size 10/12. At 5'10", I weighed in around 150-160. I was on the swim team, I danced, I was active in the marching band, all of that activity kept me in great shape. My sophomore year I discovered dieting. We frequently went on the "lose 10 pounds in 3 days" type diets, and began to track what I ate religiously. I slimmed down even more, and I loved the attention it garnered. By my senior year, I was extremely cautious about what I put in my mouth. Lunch was often just a Crystal Light. A NutriGrain bar would sometimes be enough to get me through the day. By the time I was ready to leave for college, my head had started to look too big for my body.
College began, and I drank. I still didn't eat much, but the beer calories started to take their toll. I fleshed out just a little bit. I found a serious boyfriend, and over the course of my freshman year, aided by beer, late night snacks, hormonal birth control pills and the confidence that young love brings, I slowly packed on about 20 pounds. I was still comfortably in the size 12/14 range, which on my frame, looked healthy. Just before my sophomore year, my boyfriend broke up with me. It was a tough break up, and I comforted myself with excessive drinking and the sweet, sweet love of Ben and Jerry. I crept up to almost 200 pounds, a size 14/16, and there I would stay for the remainder of my college career. I fluctuated up and down within a 20 pound range, but nothing drastic.
After college, I lived abroad for a time, and then came back to America to begin working. I added some weight - I was no longer walking everywhere, and I was probably a little depressed. I hated my job, I was working for peanuts, and I was living with my parents. I had gained a little weight living abroad, but back in the States, my weight climbed to 275 over the course of a year. I made the decision to go to grad school, where, thanks to more walking and not being able to afford food, I got my weight back down to about 200 pounds. I was happy at that weight.
After grad school, I got a high paying, high stress job. I also had near constant access to food in the workplace. A favorite activity for my boss and the management team was to meet over breakfast each morning to plan out the day. In one year, I gained 35 pounds. The company relocated me to a larger metro area. I lived alone. The job became even more high stress. I still had near constant access to food. In three years, my weight climbed from 235 to 303 pounds.
Two years ago, I left the high stress job and the large metro area. I lost a little bit of weight through careful eating and exercise, and got back down to 270. Then met my husband. Again, comfortable with being in love, and despite a looming wedding, I let my weight creep back up. First to 290. Then to 316. Then I noticed my fat clothes were getting too tight. I decided to face the scale. 324. My highest weight ever.
I must change. For my future. I want to have children, I want to live healthy, I want to be able to shop at the goddamn Gap again!
I can't promise that this blog will contain any answers. But I can promise that it will be honest. I can promise that I am commited to sharing my thoughts, my struggles, and my triumphs throughout this process. I hope it will have some laughs. I know there will be some heartache. But I hope you will join me - even if I have to create an imaginary readership out there, rooting me on, this will be an important part of this journey.
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