Exercise sucks. I'm serious. I don't care, you can say all you want about how great it feels, and the endorphins, blah, blah, blah. I say you're lying. There are a lot of things that I consider great fun, and none of them involve gasping for breath, sweat dripping into my eyes or sore muscles. Ok, ok, maybe one thing...
But the reality is, being fat sucks more. I am still really struggling with getting my eating under control. I have, however, been a LOT better about exercise.
I started doing EA Sports Active 2 in the comfort of my basement. I do have a gym membership, but if you've ever been 100+ pounds overweight, you know that sometimes it's scary to go to a mecca of fitness and tight bodies and struggle to do 20 minutes on the elliptical. So, it's me and my Wii. It's actually a pretty solid workout! We have Wii Fit as well, and even my out of shape ass knows that it's a joke of a workout. EA Sports Active 2 really does get your heart going (as is proven by the included heart rate monitor). It has a 9-week program and you program in which four days you want to work out every week. If you miss a day, you can make it up on one of your rest days.
The 9-week program is perfect, as it conveniently takes me right up to the start date of my super intense "fitness makeover" workout program that starts in March. I'm excited for that, but nervous as well. I actually had a dream that I came late on the first day, and everyone was already in groups working out. I walked over to my group - they were doing this torturous exercise that involved one person sitting on an imaginary chair, and then about 10 people sitting on his lap. They provided pants you could put on for "sanitary purposes". I frantically dug through the pile of pants so that I could join in, only to find out that the largest size still wouldn't fit me. So yeah, I'd say there's some anxiety around this...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Moving Forward
I've had an okay week. I've been focused more on staying within my points, but it hasn't been particularly easy. For some reason, I am still having trouble with overeating - it seems almost compulsive at times. Based on my history with eating disorders and some of the other troubling signs (hiding food, eating in secrecy, etc.), I've made a decision to seek some therapy. I'm worried that whatever issues caused me to turn to anorexic and bulemic behavior in the past are still unresolved, and have been rearing their head in the form of binge eating and compulsive overeating. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, but it can't hurt to talk it out.
We've started an exercise plan, as well. My husband wants to lose some weight as well, so we've been getting up earlier in the morning, heading down to the basement and doing some moderate exercise every morning. It definitely helps set the tone for the day! I find myself less likely to eat destructively if I've done a little sweating in the morning. Something about knowing I almost died to burn off 200 calories makes me more reluctant to consume that same amount and then some in a single sitting.
I also signed myself up for a 10-week "body makeover" class. In mid March I start a program called Kosama - it's intense, one hour a day exercise consisting of kickboxing, plyometrics, yoga, etc. I'm looking forward to it - it includes some education and assistance with nutrition as well, plus I got a kick-ass deal on the enrollment fees. The best part is you have a chance to win some serious cash if you're selected as, for lack of a better term, the "biggest loser". I think it involves posting your before and after pictures on a website and allowing others to vote, which is humiliating...but motivating!
Tonight's dinner is baked organic chicken with organic mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. Nice and healthy! Hopefully it will make up for lunch...we went to a restaurant that makes its own homemade potato chips. I put away half a basket of those suckers - you truly cannot eat just one. It's all or nothing. Go big or go home. I chose to go big. Which is what my ass is doing right now.
We've started an exercise plan, as well. My husband wants to lose some weight as well, so we've been getting up earlier in the morning, heading down to the basement and doing some moderate exercise every morning. It definitely helps set the tone for the day! I find myself less likely to eat destructively if I've done a little sweating in the morning. Something about knowing I almost died to burn off 200 calories makes me more reluctant to consume that same amount and then some in a single sitting.
I also signed myself up for a 10-week "body makeover" class. In mid March I start a program called Kosama - it's intense, one hour a day exercise consisting of kickboxing, plyometrics, yoga, etc. I'm looking forward to it - it includes some education and assistance with nutrition as well, plus I got a kick-ass deal on the enrollment fees. The best part is you have a chance to win some serious cash if you're selected as, for lack of a better term, the "biggest loser". I think it involves posting your before and after pictures on a website and allowing others to vote, which is humiliating...but motivating!
Tonight's dinner is baked organic chicken with organic mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. Nice and healthy! Hopefully it will make up for lunch...we went to a restaurant that makes its own homemade potato chips. I put away half a basket of those suckers - you truly cannot eat just one. It's all or nothing. Go big or go home. I chose to go big. Which is what my ass is doing right now.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Why
I'm a smart kid. I know how to set up action plans and achieve goals with measurable steps. I'm successful. All of this applies to almost every single aspect of my personal and professional life. Except for my weight. I think that has been the most frustrating part of finding myself at over 300 pounds. Why shouldn't a smart, capable woman be able to overcome this with ease? Well, I think it's time I started to apply some of my business smarts to this weight loss.
Whenever I am given a goal (or give a goal or project to someone else), I find the most best way to motivate or be motivated is to understand why the goal is important. What will success bring? What does success look like? Why can't we just carry on doing things the way we've always been doing things? Change is scary, even for the most vetted change agent. Even if the way "we've always been doing things" is terrible and wrong. Or even deadly. The old "devil you know" adage.
To help myself out, I'm going to write a handy list of why I need to, want to, have to lose this weight! Get excited...here is...THE LIST!
1. I want to have children. We are hoping to get pregnant this year, but I am under no false hopes that my weight may not make things more difficult. I also have read horror stories of obese pregnant women essentially being treated like garbage by the doctor on call, assuming they are more likely to be an issue than a "normal" woman. I also worry about gaining even more weight with a pregnancy. If I can't say no to Chinese takeout now, what will I be like with baby hormones coursing through my body?
2. I know my health will eventually suffer if I don't shake this. Right now, my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. all fall well within the "healthy" range. I can only assume that this is because I haven't always been fat. My body is clinging to any residual health benefits I have left from being thinner and more athletic.
3. My joints are starting to ache more. My ankles are stiff, and my knees hurt. I'm too young to feel like an old lady.
4. I want to wear high heels. Even at 260 pounds, I had a cute pair of heeled boots. Now this may be because they were cheap Target shoes, but I only wore them a few times before the heel literally started to bend. I think I'm harder on shoes in general because of my weight. And I think it's harder on my feet. Putting all of your weight on the balls of your feet is different when you're only 150 pounds versus my mass.
5. I don't want to worry about fitting into chairs. I've yet to find a chair I can't sit in (I'm not THAT big), but airplane seats are tight and uncomfortable. I do find myself now eyeballing chairs with armrests to decide if I need to find an alternative.
6. I don't want to worry about fitting into rides! I love roller coasters, and we're hoping to visit a few this summer. I haven't been in a couple of years, but even 30-40 pounds ago, it was a tight fit to get some of the shoulder harnesses closed over my chest. Eek! I can't imagine the shame of being asked to get off of a ride (in front of the cruel stares of hundreds of children) because you're too fat to ride.
7. I want to be able to shop wherever I want. Not only am I fat, but I'm tall. I'm already relegated to pretty much shopping only at Lane Bryant when I go to a mall, and then they go and get rid of many of their long lengths in the store. I recently split my only pair of jeans that fit (my thighs apparently rubbed the fabric thin enough that the fabric ripped), and I can't find any to replace them. I have to remind myself that when I lose more weight, I have many sizes of smaller jeans waiting for me!
8. I want to be able to exercise freely without getting winded or tired too soon. I've found myself opting out of more strenuous or athletic activities with friends for fear I'll embarrass myself.
9. I want to look good. I feel slovenly and unattractive. I was never terribly self-confident, but I at least felt like I could be attractive and catch a few looks when I went out. Now I feel (and often wish I were) invisible.
10. I want to be attractive to my husband. I know he loves me, but he must see the weight and be concerned. I don't want his friends to judge me for being fat. I want them to say, "Wow, Mr. Pounds, your wife is hot!" It definitely impacts our sex life because I don't feel attractive or sexy. When he's not "in the mood", I read it as him being turned off by me, and I have stopped making advances.
I know this list is not all-inclusive, but it's a start. I'm sure my reasons will adjust and change over time. I do know that I'll be referring back to this list on days when I'm feeling weak or like it's just not worth it. Because it is. And I am.
Whenever I am given a goal (or give a goal or project to someone else), I find the most best way to motivate or be motivated is to understand why the goal is important. What will success bring? What does success look like? Why can't we just carry on doing things the way we've always been doing things? Change is scary, even for the most vetted change agent. Even if the way "we've always been doing things" is terrible and wrong. Or even deadly. The old "devil you know" adage.
To help myself out, I'm going to write a handy list of why I need to, want to, have to lose this weight! Get excited...here is...THE LIST!
1. I want to have children. We are hoping to get pregnant this year, but I am under no false hopes that my weight may not make things more difficult. I also have read horror stories of obese pregnant women essentially being treated like garbage by the doctor on call, assuming they are more likely to be an issue than a "normal" woman. I also worry about gaining even more weight with a pregnancy. If I can't say no to Chinese takeout now, what will I be like with baby hormones coursing through my body?
2. I know my health will eventually suffer if I don't shake this. Right now, my blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, etc. all fall well within the "healthy" range. I can only assume that this is because I haven't always been fat. My body is clinging to any residual health benefits I have left from being thinner and more athletic.
3. My joints are starting to ache more. My ankles are stiff, and my knees hurt. I'm too young to feel like an old lady.
4. I want to wear high heels. Even at 260 pounds, I had a cute pair of heeled boots. Now this may be because they were cheap Target shoes, but I only wore them a few times before the heel literally started to bend. I think I'm harder on shoes in general because of my weight. And I think it's harder on my feet. Putting all of your weight on the balls of your feet is different when you're only 150 pounds versus my mass.
5. I don't want to worry about fitting into chairs. I've yet to find a chair I can't sit in (I'm not THAT big), but airplane seats are tight and uncomfortable. I do find myself now eyeballing chairs with armrests to decide if I need to find an alternative.
6. I don't want to worry about fitting into rides! I love roller coasters, and we're hoping to visit a few this summer. I haven't been in a couple of years, but even 30-40 pounds ago, it was a tight fit to get some of the shoulder harnesses closed over my chest. Eek! I can't imagine the shame of being asked to get off of a ride (in front of the cruel stares of hundreds of children) because you're too fat to ride.
7. I want to be able to shop wherever I want. Not only am I fat, but I'm tall. I'm already relegated to pretty much shopping only at Lane Bryant when I go to a mall, and then they go and get rid of many of their long lengths in the store. I recently split my only pair of jeans that fit (my thighs apparently rubbed the fabric thin enough that the fabric ripped), and I can't find any to replace them. I have to remind myself that when I lose more weight, I have many sizes of smaller jeans waiting for me!
8. I want to be able to exercise freely without getting winded or tired too soon. I've found myself opting out of more strenuous or athletic activities with friends for fear I'll embarrass myself.
9. I want to look good. I feel slovenly and unattractive. I was never terribly self-confident, but I at least felt like I could be attractive and catch a few looks when I went out. Now I feel (and often wish I were) invisible.
10. I want to be attractive to my husband. I know he loves me, but he must see the weight and be concerned. I don't want his friends to judge me for being fat. I want them to say, "Wow, Mr. Pounds, your wife is hot!" It definitely impacts our sex life because I don't feel attractive or sexy. When he's not "in the mood", I read it as him being turned off by me, and I have stopped making advances.
I know this list is not all-inclusive, but it's a start. I'm sure my reasons will adjust and change over time. I do know that I'll be referring back to this list on days when I'm feeling weak or like it's just not worth it. Because it is. And I am.
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