I'm so far off it, I can't even see it any more.
This was another rough week. I've been starting off the day ok, but then it all goes to hell in a handbasket by mid-afternoon. I need to pinpoint exactly what drives me to overeat/eat crap, and more importantly, figure out how to combat it. I'm scared to go to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, I'm not gonna lie.
I've been at this point before - a couple of bad weeks and next thing you know, I've given up. The last time this happened was after our wedding. I wound up packing on 35 pounds. I have to get this back under control before I have to rename my blog "189 Pounds".
Let's examine today. I drove through Starbucks (I had to be in to work a little early, so this was easier than making breakfast) and ordered a fat-free latte and a reduced fat breakfast sandwich. Around mid-morning, I had an apple. So far, so good. I was busy with work, so I didn't have time to think too much about snacking or being hungry. I had lunch at 11:30, a Weight Watchers frozen meal, some raw green pepper slices, and some organic cherry tomatoes. I also had a Laughing Cow cheese wedge and a few water crackers. I didn't have anything else until about 4:30pm. I knew I had about an hour of work left, everyone else in the department was gone, and I was tired. I went to the vending machine and got Fritos, a Snickers bar and a Pepsi. I about inhaled the chips and the candy bar, but I stopped myself after about 1/3 of the soda. On the way home, I stopped at a Wal-Mart for some necessities, and I swung through the bakery department. I bought a package of five cream horns and ate three of them on the drive home. I was so disgusted with myself I tossed the rest of the package out the car window. I also was embarrassed that my husband might see the package in my car and know what I'd done. Dinner wasn't too bad - pasta, organic vodka sauce with a little bit of organic chicken.
If I analyze today, the breakdown started when I was a little bit bored, tired and stressed. I'm also right in the throes of PMS. And my lunch was lacking in protein, so maybe my body was trying to compensate.
I will be going to Weight Watchers on Wednesday, and will have to deal with the consequences of my actions - and I'll be looking for the wagon in the morning so I can climb back aboard.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
What a week...
So this has been a little bit of a crazy week, as evidenced by my absence from the blogosphere.
It started with a stressful work week. My workload has increased significantly, and it's not fun or inspiring work. It's not improving any kind of skill or aiding in my personal or professional development. In short, it sucks. Add to that that my boss is sometimes...well...he's an asshat. So between longer hours and coming home stressed, I had some slip ups this week (ordered Chinese on Tuesday, ate old cake frosting from the jar with a spoon on Thursday...and Friday...ok, and on Saturday).
Add to that my severe cabin fever. I can see why people trapped in remote cabins during blizzards eventually go crazy and eat each other. At this midpoint in winter, I'm about to snap. I've gotten downright loopy. By Sunday this weekend, I wanted out of the house so bad...but yet I didn't want to leave because it was so cold. My husband was tired of me, and I don't blame him. I was tired of me too! On Sunday, he was sitting on the couch catching up on some crappy TV. I shuffled in, sat down next to him and stared at him. No response. Then I started to poke him until he looked at me. Here's a recap of our conversation:
Me: I'm hungry.
Darling Husband: Do you want some lunch?
M: Yes.
I continued to sit and stare at him.
DH: Do you want me to make something?
M: No. *sigh* I'll do it. What do you want?
DH: I don't know, what do you want?
M: Gah! I don't know! Make up your mind and I'll make it for you!
DH: Wow, sorry. Ok, how about soup?
M: Ew, no.
DH: Um, sandwiches?
M: No.
DH: Tacos? Veggie burgers? Spaghetti? Lasagna? Frozen dinners? Pizza?
M: No, no, no, no, no, and no.
I stared some more.
M: I guess I'm not hungry.
M: *sigh* I'm bored.
DH: (not even losing patience yet, the man is a saint) What do you want to do?
M: Nothing.
DH: Why don't you go to your parents?
M: I don't feel like it.
DH: Why don't you go hand out with a friend?
M: I don't have any friends.
He stares back at me.
DH: Seriously?
Pretty sure most of our Sunday went something like that. I can't believe he hasn't locked me in the bathroom yet. Even the dogs are tired of my seasonal morose - at first I think they enjoyed it, as flopping on the couch and dramatic sighs are pretty much their thing and they finally had someone who enjoyed it as much as they do. But one of them tried to bite me yesterday when I went to move him off my corner of the couch.
I didn't make it to my Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesday because I was stuck at work late, so I'll be weighing this Wednesday for two weeks. As much as I hate to admit it, those meetings really do help support my goals and remind me of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Hopefully I haven't derailed too much.
On top of all of that, I failed to blog - I see this as an accountability thing, and I admittedly was embarrassed to report that I was...well, I was failing in general all week!
I definitely needed to have a little bit of a "come to Jesus" talk with myself this morning. I had a doctor's appointment, and was weighed (embarrassing), then when she took my blood pressure, she had to go and fetch the "other cuff" - for those not familiar, there's a bigger cuff if your guns are too big to fit in the normal one. The normal one actually fits me (barely), but once I tell them my weight at any medical places, I start to get things like a huge robe (at the OB-GYN a few weeks ago, I was actually handed a 5X), larger wheelchairs (I ended up in an urgent care office for a minor injury, the wheelchair they put me in barely fit through the door), etc. Anyway, it reminded me that I don't want to need special accomodations because of my fat. I was also reading an article in People while in the waiting room about some folks who had lost half their body weight. If those chubby kids can do it, I can too! Inspiring!
I've refocused - I have a lot to look forward to this week! Funny enough, the thing I'm most excited about is our first organic produce delivery. We signed up a few days ago, and on Wednesday we'll get our first order delivered right to our front door. I bought ingredients to start making our own homemade bread, cutting out all the processed crap that goes into store brands. I also have a plan to get back on the elliptical starting tonight - I did really good last week and last weekend, but that dropped along with the rest of my focus. I definitely feel better even with a little bit of exercise. Finally, I've mapped out where I should be falling in terms of weight loss - when I'll hit my 5% and 10% goals, and when I should reach my ultimate goal if I average 2 pounds a week. I have them entered in to my Outlook calendar so that each morning I can see where I should be! It's definitely motivating to look forward and think, "If I do what I know I need to do, by [such and such event] I'll weigh this, or be able to wear this!" We have big plans this year for travel and events, so I'm looking forward to being thinner for each of them!
Have a great week - I'll be updating more often this week to record my SUCCESS!
It started with a stressful work week. My workload has increased significantly, and it's not fun or inspiring work. It's not improving any kind of skill or aiding in my personal or professional development. In short, it sucks. Add to that that my boss is sometimes...well...he's an asshat. So between longer hours and coming home stressed, I had some slip ups this week (ordered Chinese on Tuesday, ate old cake frosting from the jar with a spoon on Thursday...and Friday...ok, and on Saturday).
Add to that my severe cabin fever. I can see why people trapped in remote cabins during blizzards eventually go crazy and eat each other. At this midpoint in winter, I'm about to snap. I've gotten downright loopy. By Sunday this weekend, I wanted out of the house so bad...but yet I didn't want to leave because it was so cold. My husband was tired of me, and I don't blame him. I was tired of me too! On Sunday, he was sitting on the couch catching up on some crappy TV. I shuffled in, sat down next to him and stared at him. No response. Then I started to poke him until he looked at me. Here's a recap of our conversation:
Me: I'm hungry.
Darling Husband: Do you want some lunch?
M: Yes.
I continued to sit and stare at him.
DH: Do you want me to make something?
M: No. *sigh* I'll do it. What do you want?
DH: I don't know, what do you want?
M: Gah! I don't know! Make up your mind and I'll make it for you!
DH: Wow, sorry. Ok, how about soup?
M: Ew, no.
DH: Um, sandwiches?
M: No.
DH: Tacos? Veggie burgers? Spaghetti? Lasagna? Frozen dinners? Pizza?
M: No, no, no, no, no, and no.
I stared some more.
M: I guess I'm not hungry.
M: *sigh* I'm bored.
DH: (not even losing patience yet, the man is a saint) What do you want to do?
M: Nothing.
DH: Why don't you go to your parents?
M: I don't feel like it.
DH: Why don't you go hand out with a friend?
M: I don't have any friends.
He stares back at me.
DH: Seriously?
Pretty sure most of our Sunday went something like that. I can't believe he hasn't locked me in the bathroom yet. Even the dogs are tired of my seasonal morose - at first I think they enjoyed it, as flopping on the couch and dramatic sighs are pretty much their thing and they finally had someone who enjoyed it as much as they do. But one of them tried to bite me yesterday when I went to move him off my corner of the couch.
I didn't make it to my Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesday because I was stuck at work late, so I'll be weighing this Wednesday for two weeks. As much as I hate to admit it, those meetings really do help support my goals and remind me of why I'm doing what I'm doing. Hopefully I haven't derailed too much.
On top of all of that, I failed to blog - I see this as an accountability thing, and I admittedly was embarrassed to report that I was...well, I was failing in general all week!
I definitely needed to have a little bit of a "come to Jesus" talk with myself this morning. I had a doctor's appointment, and was weighed (embarrassing), then when she took my blood pressure, she had to go and fetch the "other cuff" - for those not familiar, there's a bigger cuff if your guns are too big to fit in the normal one. The normal one actually fits me (barely), but once I tell them my weight at any medical places, I start to get things like a huge robe (at the OB-GYN a few weeks ago, I was actually handed a 5X), larger wheelchairs (I ended up in an urgent care office for a minor injury, the wheelchair they put me in barely fit through the door), etc. Anyway, it reminded me that I don't want to need special accomodations because of my fat. I was also reading an article in People while in the waiting room about some folks who had lost half their body weight. If those chubby kids can do it, I can too! Inspiring!
I've refocused - I have a lot to look forward to this week! Funny enough, the thing I'm most excited about is our first organic produce delivery. We signed up a few days ago, and on Wednesday we'll get our first order delivered right to our front door. I bought ingredients to start making our own homemade bread, cutting out all the processed crap that goes into store brands. I also have a plan to get back on the elliptical starting tonight - I did really good last week and last weekend, but that dropped along with the rest of my focus. I definitely feel better even with a little bit of exercise. Finally, I've mapped out where I should be falling in terms of weight loss - when I'll hit my 5% and 10% goals, and when I should reach my ultimate goal if I average 2 pounds a week. I have them entered in to my Outlook calendar so that each morning I can see where I should be! It's definitely motivating to look forward and think, "If I do what I know I need to do, by [such and such event] I'll weigh this, or be able to wear this!" We have big plans this year for travel and events, so I'm looking forward to being thinner for each of them!
Have a great week - I'll be updating more often this week to record my SUCCESS!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Product Alert!
I'm always inspired to find new, healthy food after my Weight Watchers meeting. People often bring in packages of items they've found at the grocery store, or share recipes. I used to find (on the old program) that often these recipes or items would have a lot of nutritionally void "tricks" to try and keep the calories or the points low, but with the new plan's emphasis on healthy, "power" foods, I don't run into that as much.
Off I went after my meeting Wednesday, all fueled up on the high of weight loss and good intentions for the week to come. I walked into the store ready to look for fun, healthy items that would keep me motivated this week. I, for the most part, try to eat as much whole, clean food as possible. I look for short ingredient lists, and try to cook from scratch where possible. I eat almost vegetarian (if it weren't for bacon and bratwurst, I could go all the way). I also aim to keep most of my purchases organic. But I'm human - I also look for easy and inexpensive, too! Can't a girl have it all? Well...maybe not all...but I found a new product at Super Target that comes pretty darn close! I bring you...
Amy's Organics Light & Lean!
While you "ooh" and "ahh" over my workplace photography skills, I'll tell you more. I have always had a love affair with Amy's - I think they make some great stuff (I could marry the roasted vegetable no-cheese pizza), but some of their frozen meals aren't exactly "light". Well, it looks like they've come up with an option for those of us watching our caloric intake!
I had the Soft Taco Fiesta, and it was like a Mexican party in my mouth. At $3.50-ish, it's not especially cheap for a frozen meal, but can you really get any easier? I finished this off, licked my spoon a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I was nice and full. I sit here an hour later and I still have a nice, warm, full tummy. Here's the down and dirty: 220 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, and 20% of your daily fiber needs. It's a little high in sodium at 560mg (23% of your daily needs), but that's usually a given with anything pre-prepared. Just watch the rest of your intake.
They also have a Black Bean & Cheese Enchilada, Spinach Lasaga and Pasta & Veggies. I couldn't bring myself to pay for the Pasta & Veggies, I felt like at $3.50 I could make that on my own for less with minimal effort. The other varieties, however, are waiting in my freezer for the next workday when I'm too lazy to put a lunch together!
Off I went after my meeting Wednesday, all fueled up on the high of weight loss and good intentions for the week to come. I walked into the store ready to look for fun, healthy items that would keep me motivated this week. I, for the most part, try to eat as much whole, clean food as possible. I look for short ingredient lists, and try to cook from scratch where possible. I eat almost vegetarian (if it weren't for bacon and bratwurst, I could go all the way). I also aim to keep most of my purchases organic. But I'm human - I also look for easy and inexpensive, too! Can't a girl have it all? Well...maybe not all...but I found a new product at Super Target that comes pretty darn close! I bring you...
Amy's Organics Light & Lean!
While you "ooh" and "ahh" over my workplace photography skills, I'll tell you more. I have always had a love affair with Amy's - I think they make some great stuff (I could marry the roasted vegetable no-cheese pizza), but some of their frozen meals aren't exactly "light". Well, it looks like they've come up with an option for those of us watching our caloric intake!
I had the Soft Taco Fiesta, and it was like a Mexican party in my mouth. At $3.50-ish, it's not especially cheap for a frozen meal, but can you really get any easier? I finished this off, licked my spoon a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything, and I was nice and full. I sit here an hour later and I still have a nice, warm, full tummy. Here's the down and dirty: 220 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, and 20% of your daily fiber needs. It's a little high in sodium at 560mg (23% of your daily needs), but that's usually a given with anything pre-prepared. Just watch the rest of your intake.
They also have a Black Bean & Cheese Enchilada, Spinach Lasaga and Pasta & Veggies. I couldn't bring myself to pay for the Pasta & Veggies, I felt like at $3.50 I could make that on my own for less with minimal effort. The other varieties, however, are waiting in my freezer for the next workday when I'm too lazy to put a lunch together!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wednesday Weigh In!
Wednesday is my weigh-in day at Weight Watchers. I ended up with better results this week - I'm now at 321.4 pounds, so down 2.6 total from my start-of-blog weight! Hurrah! I now only need to lose 151.4 pounds...much better, right?!?!
Weight Watchers is kind enough to break things down into smaller goals for people with their own gravitational pull like me. I'm aiming for my 5% goal right now - so basically 16 pounds. That sounds much more attainable. Only 13.4 more pounds to go until I reach my first goal! Saying I only have 13.4 pounds to go makes me feel like a skinny bitch. I will say this to myself every day.
On that note, let's talk about food. I did pretty good today, especially since my day got so ridiculously busy that I couldn't eat lunch. I guess that's a win? For breakfast, I swung through Starbucks and got a reduced-fat turkey bacon and egg white sandwich. It's pretty filling, and I enjoy it, but it's a bit of a points splurge - 9 points! Lunch, as was previously mentioned, was a wash, but I scavenged a piece of Babybel Light cheese from the office fridge (don't worry, it was mine). I stopped at Super Target on the way home for groceries, so tonight the husband and I will be dining on a baked potato (with olive oil), steamed broccoli and a tasty turkey cheddar brat! I'm pretty pumped, I can smell the potatoes baking now...
Happy Wednesday! Hopefully next week I'll finally break the 5 pound mark!
Weight Watchers is kind enough to break things down into smaller goals for people with their own gravitational pull like me. I'm aiming for my 5% goal right now - so basically 16 pounds. That sounds much more attainable. Only 13.4 more pounds to go until I reach my first goal! Saying I only have 13.4 pounds to go makes me feel like a skinny bitch. I will say this to myself every day.
On that note, let's talk about food. I did pretty good today, especially since my day got so ridiculously busy that I couldn't eat lunch. I guess that's a win? For breakfast, I swung through Starbucks and got a reduced-fat turkey bacon and egg white sandwich. It's pretty filling, and I enjoy it, but it's a bit of a points splurge - 9 points! Lunch, as was previously mentioned, was a wash, but I scavenged a piece of Babybel Light cheese from the office fridge (don't worry, it was mine). I stopped at Super Target on the way home for groceries, so tonight the husband and I will be dining on a baked potato (with olive oil), steamed broccoli and a tasty turkey cheddar brat! I'm pretty pumped, I can smell the potatoes baking now...
Happy Wednesday! Hopefully next week I'll finally break the 5 pound mark!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Stressed spelled backwards...
I've been trying to figure out just what causes a seemingly normal person to do self-destructive things. Things like gaining massive amounts of weight. When I was younger, I would often skim my mother's weight loss books. She had quite a collection - for what it's worth, obesity is not something I'm fighting alone. Most of my family is overweight if not obese. Growing up, I think my mother struggled mostly privately with her weight, but I do remember an extensive library of diet books. Reading through one (to see if I could find a quick way to lose 10 pounds before prom), I found that it focused a great deal on finding the emotional reasons that you eat. Well, that was silly, I thought. I don't have emotional issues to dig through, I just need to eat less!
Fast forward 13 years (or so), and I finally realize that weight gain like this doesn't just come from eating too much. Something must trigger me to want to overeat. What comfort am I getting from being fat? Or just from the act of stuffing my face? I'm really trying to pay attention to the cues around me so that I can address them.
Yesterday I had just a craptastic day at work. I found out that we would be losing a person, and that their workload would fall on to my plate. Excellent! Forty hours worth of work to somehow magically get done on top of my own workload. I nearly cried at work I was so mad. I felt sorry for myself for the rest of the day.
I made it through the afternoon, following through with my planned eating (thank gosh I didn't have any cash for the vending machine), but as soon as I got home I started digging through the pantry. First it was a carefully measured serving of peanuts (5 points), then it was some ginger snaps (4 points). Then I discovered some leftover Christmas cookies and a jar of unopened frosting. I frosted a cookie and devoured it (4 points). Then my husband left the room and I lost all self control. I opened the jar of peanut butter and took a small spoonful (3 points). Then I took another small spoonful and dipped it into the frosting - divinity! Three more peanut butter/frosting spoons and a small wedge of cheese and I forced myself out of the kitchen. Well, actually, I heard my husband coming down the stairs and didn't want to be caught in my unattractive binge. I lost track of the points, but thankfully I hadn't touched my "bonus" points for the week, so fingers crossed that I didn't do too much damage. I made it through the rest of the afternoon without any other trips to the feed trough, and am on track today.
I have to assume that the stress of the workday pushed me to do something that I knew was bad for me. I was definitely physically hungry when I left work, but a more rational action would have been to eat a piece of fruit or start cooking dinner - not shoveling frosting into my mouth while no one was looking. As I work on losing weight and figuring out how to live healthy, I'll need to continue to keep an eye on this one...
Fast forward 13 years (or so), and I finally realize that weight gain like this doesn't just come from eating too much. Something must trigger me to want to overeat. What comfort am I getting from being fat? Or just from the act of stuffing my face? I'm really trying to pay attention to the cues around me so that I can address them.
Yesterday I had just a craptastic day at work. I found out that we would be losing a person, and that their workload would fall on to my plate. Excellent! Forty hours worth of work to somehow magically get done on top of my own workload. I nearly cried at work I was so mad. I felt sorry for myself for the rest of the day.
I made it through the afternoon, following through with my planned eating (thank gosh I didn't have any cash for the vending machine), but as soon as I got home I started digging through the pantry. First it was a carefully measured serving of peanuts (5 points), then it was some ginger snaps (4 points). Then I discovered some leftover Christmas cookies and a jar of unopened frosting. I frosted a cookie and devoured it (4 points). Then my husband left the room and I lost all self control. I opened the jar of peanut butter and took a small spoonful (3 points). Then I took another small spoonful and dipped it into the frosting - divinity! Three more peanut butter/frosting spoons and a small wedge of cheese and I forced myself out of the kitchen. Well, actually, I heard my husband coming down the stairs and didn't want to be caught in my unattractive binge. I lost track of the points, but thankfully I hadn't touched my "bonus" points for the week, so fingers crossed that I didn't do too much damage. I made it through the rest of the afternoon without any other trips to the feed trough, and am on track today.
I have to assume that the stress of the workday pushed me to do something that I knew was bad for me. I was definitely physically hungry when I left work, but a more rational action would have been to eat a piece of fruit or start cooking dinner - not shoveling frosting into my mouth while no one was looking. As I work on losing weight and figuring out how to live healthy, I'll need to continue to keep an eye on this one...
Friday, January 7, 2011
(Small) Success!
I'm down 0.8 pounds.
Honestly, I could go all melodramatic and cry about how hard I worked, and it should have been more...but I'm so not that girl. I also can't lie to you - you probably saw my post that I ate half a small cheesecake in a 24-hour period last weekend. I'm also still coming off of a week of holiday consumption where I was, shall we say, less than careful about tracking my food.
I'm pleased with the result - after my NYE Red Lobster feast (and the pursuant Great Cheesecake Binge), I really did buckle down. I feel like my results reflect my actions, and you can't ask for much more than that. I've had weeks in the past where I have lost several pounds, knowing that I had been less than angelic with my eating and exercise habits. I always felt a little bit guilty afterwards, feeling like I cheated the system, and somewhat fearful that my indiscretions would come back to haunt me the following week in the form of a massive weight gain.
I feel confident that, with continued efforts like this week, I'll see that hard work reflected on the scale next week. A year ago I would have been happy that I'd only gained 0.8 pounds.
And so, I call this a success. I'm like Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" Baby steps. Baby steps to the Gap...
Honestly, I could go all melodramatic and cry about how hard I worked, and it should have been more...but I'm so not that girl. I also can't lie to you - you probably saw my post that I ate half a small cheesecake in a 24-hour period last weekend. I'm also still coming off of a week of holiday consumption where I was, shall we say, less than careful about tracking my food.
I'm pleased with the result - after my NYE Red Lobster feast (and the pursuant Great Cheesecake Binge), I really did buckle down. I feel like my results reflect my actions, and you can't ask for much more than that. I've had weeks in the past where I have lost several pounds, knowing that I had been less than angelic with my eating and exercise habits. I always felt a little bit guilty afterwards, feeling like I cheated the system, and somewhat fearful that my indiscretions would come back to haunt me the following week in the form of a massive weight gain.
I feel confident that, with continued efforts like this week, I'll see that hard work reflected on the scale next week. A year ago I would have been happy that I'd only gained 0.8 pounds.
And so, I call this a success. I'm like Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" Baby steps. Baby steps to the Gap...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
On the Right Track
Today marks the fourth day in a row that I've tracked all of my food and stayed within my daily point target! Hurrah!
For those of you not familiar with the Weight Watchers plan, each food is given a point value based on fat, carbs, protein and fiber. Each person gets a daily point target to stay within and still lose weight. You can eat whatever you want, just stay within that target. The point values and the materials steer you toward eating more filling foods - fruits, veggies, whole grains, protein - and it doesn't take long to learn that if you use up your points on crap, you're either going to finish off the day ravenous and stabby, or you're going to end up going on a midnight fridge run and eating everything inside, including the mystery hunk of cheese in the back of the drawer (right after you cut off the moldy or filmy bits), thus derailing your weight loss efforts.
For me, there are definitely days when you sort of "wing it" - you keep a rough tally of what you're eating, but don't write things down, then you sort of "guesstimate" that the piece of cake is still within your target, because surely the grilled cheese sandwich you ordered at lunch was made with whole grain bread, low-fat cheese and light butter. Right? Some weeks this works, but most of the time you see less than ideal results.
Well, I made a commitment that this week I would start off the year with good habits. I've written down everything. I've stayed within my target. Today I enjoyed a bountiful selection of fruits and veggies to accompany my small portion of whole grain pasta and sauce. Yesterday I got a little hungry in the afternoon, and upon searching my desk drawer, found a hunk of chocolate that I devoured, but I calculated the points, added them in, and adjusted the rest of my day.
I didn't have the opportunity to weigh in yesterday (my normal meeting day), but I am going to crash a make up meeting tonight and check out the scale. We'll see what happens - at least I don't feel like I need to try to hang my heels off the back of the scale in an effort to nudge the numbers down a bit...
For those of you not familiar with the Weight Watchers plan, each food is given a point value based on fat, carbs, protein and fiber. Each person gets a daily point target to stay within and still lose weight. You can eat whatever you want, just stay within that target. The point values and the materials steer you toward eating more filling foods - fruits, veggies, whole grains, protein - and it doesn't take long to learn that if you use up your points on crap, you're either going to finish off the day ravenous and stabby, or you're going to end up going on a midnight fridge run and eating everything inside, including the mystery hunk of cheese in the back of the drawer (right after you cut off the moldy or filmy bits), thus derailing your weight loss efforts.
For me, there are definitely days when you sort of "wing it" - you keep a rough tally of what you're eating, but don't write things down, then you sort of "guesstimate" that the piece of cake is still within your target, because surely the grilled cheese sandwich you ordered at lunch was made with whole grain bread, low-fat cheese and light butter. Right? Some weeks this works, but most of the time you see less than ideal results.
Well, I made a commitment that this week I would start off the year with good habits. I've written down everything. I've stayed within my target. Today I enjoyed a bountiful selection of fruits and veggies to accompany my small portion of whole grain pasta and sauce. Yesterday I got a little hungry in the afternoon, and upon searching my desk drawer, found a hunk of chocolate that I devoured, but I calculated the points, added them in, and adjusted the rest of my day.
I didn't have the opportunity to weigh in yesterday (my normal meeting day), but I am going to crash a make up meeting tonight and check out the scale. We'll see what happens - at least I don't feel like I need to try to hang my heels off the back of the scale in an effort to nudge the numbers down a bit...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
On Biggest Loser...
A new season of "Biggest Loser" is underway. I confess, I have yet to watch the first episode, but it's ready and waiting on my DVR. I am a little bit of a reality TV junkie. "The Jersey Shore", "Cake Boss", "Hoarders", "Ruby", "Real Housewives", "Toddlers & Tiaras"...I'm especially a fan if watching the show makes my life look like less of a trainwreck (see: most of the aforementioned programs).
"Biggest Loser" does a little of that for me, but it also makes you feel so darn emotional. I can't watch it in front of my husband anymore, as he mocks me mercilessly when I cry as the 400 pound guy gets up on the scale for the first time to find that he's lost 5% of his body weight in one week. It slays me! It's motivational, too. Especially now that, in terms of comparable body mass, I can relate to some of the contestants, it's easy to imagine what I would like in spandex bike shorts and sports bra, bat wings a-flapping off my arms, and every single culinary indescretion I've ever had screaming from my ass, hips and thighs. Ugh. Terrifying. If that doesn't make you want to put down the cupcake, I don't know what will.
Several years ago, I had a friend who was also obese. I always thought of her as much larger than me because of the different ways we carried our weight. The reality was I only weighed about 30 pounds less than her, and it seems like once you pass 270, 30 pounds is just a drop in the bucket. While it's true I look fat, I don't think I look as fat as 324 pounds should. I carry most of my weight in my legs, so I still have a little bit of a defined waist, and my face looks relatively thin. I'm also a little bit muscular (although I think the fat to muscle ratio is swiftly changing). All of this was detrimental as I gained weight - I think I would have snapped to attention faster if I started developing an enormous gut or triple chins. I was able to lie to myself about how I looked as long as the mirror (or the camera) didn't travel too far south. But I digress.
This friend invited me to participate with her in an open casting call for the "Biggest Loser" taking place in our city. My first reaction was, "I'm not fat enough to be on that show!". Then I started to think about it. Oh yes. I was. In fact, I weighed MORE than many of the female contestants. So I agreed. My pride was hurt, but I wasn't about to pass up a chance for $250k and some of the best trainers in the world. I began to gather all of the information that was required and set to work on writing up a witty application sure to impress the casting agents.
The hardest thing to do was to put together pictures. They wanted to see some photographic evidence of your weight history. I started with the recent pictures, snapshots I would never post on Facebook or share with friends because of how unflattering they were. Then I started to go back, and it was painful to see how much I had changed. How I had let myself go from the happy, healthy teenager in the pictures to the dumpy, tired twentysomething I was then. If I had been able to make a flipbook of the photos, you would have seen the body expand, the shoulders begin to drop a bit, the smile fade, the skin go from glowing to sallow with dark undereye circles, the hair begin to go limp and lackluster. I wasn't just overweight, I was unhealthy.
Even so, I was still somewhat in denial about being fat. As we sat down in the audition room, the friendly, charismatic (and naturally thin/gorgeous) casting folks from California began to engage us in a little conversation. It was pretty low-stress, as they were easy to talk to. I continued to think, as the questions came out, that I wouldn't have much to share. But I recall one question about dating - he asked if we were ever sought out by "chubby chasers" at the bar, or if we got hit on because guys thought overweight girls would be easy to score with. Good lord, I had never even considered such a thing. The idea that strangers might look at me and think of me as "the fat friend", well that was just too much. That really stuck with me.
After the auditions, I withdrew just a little bit. I've always been a fairly social person, lots of friends, and have enjoyed going out on the town. Something about that conversation during the audition caused me to start turning down invitations, coming up with excuses to stay home. I became extremely self-conscious about my appearance and prefered to bundle up in sweatshirts and jeans and watch movies at home by myself. I didn't want anyone to think "that fat girl" was trying to put herself out there, or to be the butt of any jokes from that group of ex-frat guys at the bar.
Anyway, we never did hear back from the "Biggest Loser" - and in the end I'm pretty grateful that we were never on the show. I can't imagine having all of America see me at my worst. I probably would have been that girl that ends up flying off the treadmill in the first workout with Jillian, and skinny bitches everywhere would laugh as they watched me from their living rooms, nibbling on fat-free yogurt.
"Biggest Loser" does a little of that for me, but it also makes you feel so darn emotional. I can't watch it in front of my husband anymore, as he mocks me mercilessly when I cry as the 400 pound guy gets up on the scale for the first time to find that he's lost 5% of his body weight in one week. It slays me! It's motivational, too. Especially now that, in terms of comparable body mass, I can relate to some of the contestants, it's easy to imagine what I would like in spandex bike shorts and sports bra, bat wings a-flapping off my arms, and every single culinary indescretion I've ever had screaming from my ass, hips and thighs. Ugh. Terrifying. If that doesn't make you want to put down the cupcake, I don't know what will.
Several years ago, I had a friend who was also obese. I always thought of her as much larger than me because of the different ways we carried our weight. The reality was I only weighed about 30 pounds less than her, and it seems like once you pass 270, 30 pounds is just a drop in the bucket. While it's true I look fat, I don't think I look as fat as 324 pounds should. I carry most of my weight in my legs, so I still have a little bit of a defined waist, and my face looks relatively thin. I'm also a little bit muscular (although I think the fat to muscle ratio is swiftly changing). All of this was detrimental as I gained weight - I think I would have snapped to attention faster if I started developing an enormous gut or triple chins. I was able to lie to myself about how I looked as long as the mirror (or the camera) didn't travel too far south. But I digress.
This friend invited me to participate with her in an open casting call for the "Biggest Loser" taking place in our city. My first reaction was, "I'm not fat enough to be on that show!". Then I started to think about it. Oh yes. I was. In fact, I weighed MORE than many of the female contestants. So I agreed. My pride was hurt, but I wasn't about to pass up a chance for $250k and some of the best trainers in the world. I began to gather all of the information that was required and set to work on writing up a witty application sure to impress the casting agents.
The hardest thing to do was to put together pictures. They wanted to see some photographic evidence of your weight history. I started with the recent pictures, snapshots I would never post on Facebook or share with friends because of how unflattering they were. Then I started to go back, and it was painful to see how much I had changed. How I had let myself go from the happy, healthy teenager in the pictures to the dumpy, tired twentysomething I was then. If I had been able to make a flipbook of the photos, you would have seen the body expand, the shoulders begin to drop a bit, the smile fade, the skin go from glowing to sallow with dark undereye circles, the hair begin to go limp and lackluster. I wasn't just overweight, I was unhealthy.
Even so, I was still somewhat in denial about being fat. As we sat down in the audition room, the friendly, charismatic (and naturally thin/gorgeous) casting folks from California began to engage us in a little conversation. It was pretty low-stress, as they were easy to talk to. I continued to think, as the questions came out, that I wouldn't have much to share. But I recall one question about dating - he asked if we were ever sought out by "chubby chasers" at the bar, or if we got hit on because guys thought overweight girls would be easy to score with. Good lord, I had never even considered such a thing. The idea that strangers might look at me and think of me as "the fat friend", well that was just too much. That really stuck with me.
After the auditions, I withdrew just a little bit. I've always been a fairly social person, lots of friends, and have enjoyed going out on the town. Something about that conversation during the audition caused me to start turning down invitations, coming up with excuses to stay home. I became extremely self-conscious about my appearance and prefered to bundle up in sweatshirts and jeans and watch movies at home by myself. I didn't want anyone to think "that fat girl" was trying to put herself out there, or to be the butt of any jokes from that group of ex-frat guys at the bar.
Anyway, we never did hear back from the "Biggest Loser" - and in the end I'm pretty grateful that we were never on the show. I can't imagine having all of America see me at my worst. I probably would have been that girl that ends up flying off the treadmill in the first workout with Jillian, and skinny bitches everywhere would laugh as they watched me from their living rooms, nibbling on fat-free yogurt.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Games We Play
I haven't exactly figured out what causes me to go on mad eating binges. Sometimes I think it's stress. Sometimes I think it's hormonal. Sometimes I think there may be a hole in my stomach that causes me to be in a constant state of hunger, but considering that everything I eat is processed and turned into fat deposits on my ass, thighs and stomach, all signs point to no.
Regardless of why, I've done some sneaky things to hide what I eat from others. The first time I remember being ashamed of how much I was eating was in high school. I had a boyfriend over, and we had ordered pizza. I, being the delicate teenage flower that I was, only took one slice, and after eating it, proceeded to exclaim how very full I was. It didn't take long before I snuck out to the kitchen to grab a drink. My mother walked in to find me hunkered down over the kitchen sink, powering my way through two additional pieces of pizza.
As a young single woman, I started to pack on the pounds as I ate my way through a period of time when my work/life balance was very heavy on the work. I would frequently order take-out, and order what was plainly enough for two people (or the entire Duggar family). A large pizza, Chinese food complete with six crab rangoon and soup, a big, sloppy Italian sandwich with cheesecake for dessert. Often I would order these feasts with two drinks. If it were a particularly big order, when they knocked on the door to my apartment, I would yell something like, "Hey, the food is here!", to my imaginary roommate/boyfriend/husband so that they delivery person would be sure to hear that I wasn't eating alone.
Most recently, I went on a fast food rampage. I would leave for lunch, stop at Taco Bell and get an order of the supreme nachos. Then I would proceed to Arby's and order the jalapeno poppers, a fried chicken sandwich and a drink. I'd sit in a vacant parking lot and eat. I did this almost every day for several weeks. I kept my own debit card and checking account separate from the joint account I had with my husband so that he wouldn't see how often I was eating out for lunch, and how much I was spending.
I also recall shopping at Target earlier this year. I had purchased a packet of giant cookies from the bakery, with creamy frosting sandwiched in between them. I fully intended to eat them all in the car on the way home, and to stash the package in my glove box or down the side of the trash can in the garage. I had the routine down, as this wasn't my first date with these particular cookies. I placed them on the conveyor belt at the register, alongside my organic bagged lettuce, fresh produce and frozen diet meals. I neatly tucked a diet Coke behind them as the old Sesame Street song ran through my head, "One of these things is not like the other things...". The cashier picked up the cookies to scan them, and exclaimed, "Oh, these cookies are SO good! Yum!" I feigned a look of pleasant surprise. "Oh really? That's good to know. I'm sure my husband will enjoy them". I thanked her, collected my bags, and sauntered off to the parking lot where I would stuff my face in private, secure in my belief that the Target cashier did not think I was a fat, binge-eating pig.
Regardless of why, I've done some sneaky things to hide what I eat from others. The first time I remember being ashamed of how much I was eating was in high school. I had a boyfriend over, and we had ordered pizza. I, being the delicate teenage flower that I was, only took one slice, and after eating it, proceeded to exclaim how very full I was. It didn't take long before I snuck out to the kitchen to grab a drink. My mother walked in to find me hunkered down over the kitchen sink, powering my way through two additional pieces of pizza.
As a young single woman, I started to pack on the pounds as I ate my way through a period of time when my work/life balance was very heavy on the work. I would frequently order take-out, and order what was plainly enough for two people (or the entire Duggar family). A large pizza, Chinese food complete with six crab rangoon and soup, a big, sloppy Italian sandwich with cheesecake for dessert. Often I would order these feasts with two drinks. If it were a particularly big order, when they knocked on the door to my apartment, I would yell something like, "Hey, the food is here!", to my imaginary roommate/boyfriend/husband so that they delivery person would be sure to hear that I wasn't eating alone.
Most recently, I went on a fast food rampage. I would leave for lunch, stop at Taco Bell and get an order of the supreme nachos. Then I would proceed to Arby's and order the jalapeno poppers, a fried chicken sandwich and a drink. I'd sit in a vacant parking lot and eat. I did this almost every day for several weeks. I kept my own debit card and checking account separate from the joint account I had with my husband so that he wouldn't see how often I was eating out for lunch, and how much I was spending.
I also recall shopping at Target earlier this year. I had purchased a packet of giant cookies from the bakery, with creamy frosting sandwiched in between them. I fully intended to eat them all in the car on the way home, and to stash the package in my glove box or down the side of the trash can in the garage. I had the routine down, as this wasn't my first date with these particular cookies. I placed them on the conveyor belt at the register, alongside my organic bagged lettuce, fresh produce and frozen diet meals. I neatly tucked a diet Coke behind them as the old Sesame Street song ran through my head, "One of these things is not like the other things...". The cashier picked up the cookies to scan them, and exclaimed, "Oh, these cookies are SO good! Yum!" I feigned a look of pleasant surprise. "Oh really? That's good to know. I'm sure my husband will enjoy them". I thanked her, collected my bags, and sauntered off to the parking lot where I would stuff my face in private, secure in my belief that the Target cashier did not think I was a fat, binge-eating pig.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Italian Veggie Soup
I made such a tasty soup yesterday! It's modified from a Weight Watchers recipe. Get your crockpot out and raid your spice rack. You'll smell like an Italian grandmother after making this, and the men in your life will love you for it!
4 cups low-sodium fat-free vegetable or chicken broth (I used chicken, I like the flavor)
28 oz. diced tomatoes - I used no salt added cans
2 medium carrots, chopped
1 large onion, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 clove garlic (I actually added a few extra, I LOVE garlic!)
2 bay leaves
1 Tbsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
2 oz. fresh baby spinach (snip off stems on leaves)
1 bag Trader Joe's cheese tortellini (you can use any pasta here, the TJ's bag is about 280 g)
Add all the ingredients to your slow cooker except the pasta and the spinach. Stir, and cook on high heat for 4-5 hours. About 20 minutes before you're ready to eat, add the pasta and the spinach. Stir and let simmer until the pasta is just soft (I like mine a little al dente).
This should make 8 servings, one cup each, but you'll probably want seconds. Each 1 cup serving is only 3 Weight Watchers points! I wish I had a picture - it's really lovely with all the colorful veggies and the tri-color pasta.
4 cups low-sodium fat-free vegetable or chicken broth (I used chicken, I like the flavor)
28 oz. diced tomatoes - I used no salt added cans
2 medium carrots, chopped
1 large onion, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1 clove garlic (I actually added a few extra, I LOVE garlic!)
2 bay leaves
1 Tbsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
2 oz. fresh baby spinach (snip off stems on leaves)
1 bag Trader Joe's cheese tortellini (you can use any pasta here, the TJ's bag is about 280 g)
Add all the ingredients to your slow cooker except the pasta and the spinach. Stir, and cook on high heat for 4-5 hours. About 20 minutes before you're ready to eat, add the pasta and the spinach. Stir and let simmer until the pasta is just soft (I like mine a little al dente).
This should make 8 servings, one cup each, but you'll probably want seconds. Each 1 cup serving is only 3 Weight Watchers points! I wish I had a picture - it's really lovely with all the colorful veggies and the tri-color pasta.
Confessions
Yesterday started off great with my healthy breakfast. Lunch was pretty good too. I even made a killer veggie soup for dinner in the crockpot.
Things sort of fell apart when my husband suggested cheesecake for dessert. I had purchased a mini white chocolate raspberry swirl cheesecake for NYE - we had originally planned to get together with friends, but when plans changed, I popped it in the freezer for a later date. It's hard enough to keep your willpower up on your own, but when someone actually suggests eating something decadent, it's damn near impossible. Thankfully it was a small cheesecake. It was delicious - and I may or may not have eaten the last piece for breakfast this morning. I'll just have to remind myself of how delicious it was later in the week when I start salivating over some other dessert.
I also need to remind my husband that it's counterproductive to talk about losing weight, and then to suggest eating half a small cheesecake in a 24-hour period. I'm still slowly acclimating to not eating whatever I please, it's going to take me a minute to be able to say, "No, thanks, I'll have the celery sticks," or, "Gosh, let me just have a tiny bite of that chocolate mousse dream pie and I'll be just as full as can be". But I'm working on it.
Things sort of fell apart when my husband suggested cheesecake for dessert. I had purchased a mini white chocolate raspberry swirl cheesecake for NYE - we had originally planned to get together with friends, but when plans changed, I popped it in the freezer for a later date. It's hard enough to keep your willpower up on your own, but when someone actually suggests eating something decadent, it's damn near impossible. Thankfully it was a small cheesecake. It was delicious - and I may or may not have eaten the last piece for breakfast this morning. I'll just have to remind myself of how delicious it was later in the week when I start salivating over some other dessert.
I also need to remind my husband that it's counterproductive to talk about losing weight, and then to suggest eating half a small cheesecake in a 24-hour period. I'm still slowly acclimating to not eating whatever I please, it's going to take me a minute to be able to say, "No, thanks, I'll have the celery sticks," or, "Gosh, let me just have a tiny bite of that chocolate mousse dream pie and I'll be just as full as can be". But I'm working on it.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Berry Vanilla Yogurt Oatmeal
If there's one thing I know, what I eat for breakfast tends to set the tone for the entire day. Drinking a sugary latte and dashing out the door just leads to vending machine meltdown later in the day when I crash. To start my day off right today, I looked for something tasty with plenty of fiber and protein, but low in sugar. Here's what I came up with:
1 packet of plain instant oatmeal with flax seed
1 pot of Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Greek Yogurt (it has delicious flecks of vanilla bean in it!)
1/2 cup of mixed frozen berries (cherries, blackberries, raspberries and blueberries)
I prepared the instant oatmeal in the microwave per package directions, then added the frozen berries. I added one more minute to the microwave to thaw the berries. Then I mixed in the tub of yogurt and mixed it together. I scooped it into a pretty purple glass, because after all, presentation is everything.
This wasn't a bad breakfast - 6 points, and I felt full right up until lunch. If I did this again, it's missing a little crunch - maybe some granola? Almonds? I also think it could have been better with just half the pot of yogurt, thus lowering the points (but also the protein).
1 packet of plain instant oatmeal with flax seed
1 pot of Trader Joe's Organic Vanilla Greek Yogurt (it has delicious flecks of vanilla bean in it!)
1/2 cup of mixed frozen berries (cherries, blackberries, raspberries and blueberries)
I prepared the instant oatmeal in the microwave per package directions, then added the frozen berries. I added one more minute to the microwave to thaw the berries. Then I mixed in the tub of yogurt and mixed it together. I scooped it into a pretty purple glass, because after all, presentation is everything.
This wasn't a bad breakfast - 6 points, and I felt full right up until lunch. If I did this again, it's missing a little crunch - maybe some granola? Almonds? I also think it could have been better with just half the pot of yogurt, thus lowering the points (but also the protein).
Happy New Year
Even if you're not a "resolution" type of person, there's something about the turning of a new year that causes one to indulge in a little self reflection. 2011 really does feel like a fresh start in terms of forgiving my food and fitness sins of the past and moving forward.
I admit, I used the holidays as a bit of an excuse. I started Weight Watchers the week before Thanksgiving, and was less than religious about tracking my points as the holiday goodies rolled in. I did hold steady - I didn't gain any weight between November 26 and January 1. That said, it does seem like a waste of time. I could have been down 5 or 10 pounds by now if I'd really buckled down. Oh well, no day but today. Onward and upward. Hindsight is 20/20. Live and learn. Any other trite phrases I'm forgetting?
I'd like to take a moment to pay homage to the delights of December. Creme brulee, smoked salmon and shmear, chocolate bon bons, bacon (mmmm, bacon), champagne cake with buttercream frosting, homemade sugar cookies, roast turkey, honey glazed ham, peppermint Oreos, Pumpkin Spice Hershey's Kisses, fresh ciabatta rolls, mulled red wine...oh, I could go on and on. Sweet baby Jesus, looking at that list, it's a Christmas miracle I didn't gain weight!
Last night was kind of a final indulgence. My husband and I wound up spending a quiet NYE, just the two of us, and I talked him into going to Red Lobster. I don't care what anyone says, I love Red Lobster. But I do live in a no-coast state, so it's not exactly like there are many other seafood options. I ordered myself 1 1/2 pounds of snow crab legs, a side of mashed potatoes and a side salad. I had Red Lobster's finest glass of chardonnay with my meal. Overall, not the worst thing I could have eaten, but probably more than a 20 (Weight Watchers) point meal.
Today I woke up tempted to break into the leftover cookies or cake, but reminded myself that I don't want to be a fat girl anymore. Instead, I made a tasty concoction which I'll create a second post for!
I hope you had a wonderful NYE and that 2011 is off to a great start for you and yours.
I admit, I used the holidays as a bit of an excuse. I started Weight Watchers the week before Thanksgiving, and was less than religious about tracking my points as the holiday goodies rolled in. I did hold steady - I didn't gain any weight between November 26 and January 1. That said, it does seem like a waste of time. I could have been down 5 or 10 pounds by now if I'd really buckled down. Oh well, no day but today. Onward and upward. Hindsight is 20/20. Live and learn. Any other trite phrases I'm forgetting?
I'd like to take a moment to pay homage to the delights of December. Creme brulee, smoked salmon and shmear, chocolate bon bons, bacon (mmmm, bacon), champagne cake with buttercream frosting, homemade sugar cookies, roast turkey, honey glazed ham, peppermint Oreos, Pumpkin Spice Hershey's Kisses, fresh ciabatta rolls, mulled red wine...oh, I could go on and on. Sweet baby Jesus, looking at that list, it's a Christmas miracle I didn't gain weight!
Last night was kind of a final indulgence. My husband and I wound up spending a quiet NYE, just the two of us, and I talked him into going to Red Lobster. I don't care what anyone says, I love Red Lobster. But I do live in a no-coast state, so it's not exactly like there are many other seafood options. I ordered myself 1 1/2 pounds of snow crab legs, a side of mashed potatoes and a side salad. I had Red Lobster's finest glass of chardonnay with my meal. Overall, not the worst thing I could have eaten, but probably more than a 20 (Weight Watchers) point meal.
Today I woke up tempted to break into the leftover cookies or cake, but reminded myself that I don't want to be a fat girl anymore. Instead, I made a tasty concoction which I'll create a second post for!
I hope you had a wonderful NYE and that 2011 is off to a great start for you and yours.
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