I Want A New Drug

So I've been continuing my therapy sessions - it's been really helpful to talk about issues that can trigger eating.  Plus it's nice to know that this person's only job is to listen to be babble.  She actually gets paid to hear me whine about my day!  Everyone should have this! 

Today we talked about depression.  When I was in college, I was diagnosed with depression - it was a particularly stressful time for me.  I can't pinpoint it to any real reason, except that things seemed to compound.  I couldn't seem to get off the couch to go to class, which impacted my grades, which made me feel worse, which impacted my relationships with friends, which made me feel worse, etc.  At one point I was curled up in a corner of my room, staring blankly at the floor.  That scared me.  I saw a psychiatrist at my mother's recommendation, and with my pal Prozac, I was able to face the world again.  It really did help, and between that and other exciting things going on in my life, I kind of got back on track.

I've been off medication for nine years, but as we spoke today, I started to think about all of the low points over the last decade.  After I stopped taking medication, I struggled with staying motivated for...well, anything.  When I got particularly stressed about work, I can recall completely letting go.  When I lived on my own, there were months where my housekeeping would become so terrible that I wouldn't let people inside my place.  I remember looking around apathetically, thinking I could easily let myself completely slip and be found years later buried in my own rubble.  I really let my finances go at one point as well - I just stopped paying for stuff.  I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of that years later. 

My therapist said she thinks the depression has always been there.  It never went away.  I've just been better at coping with it when things were "normal" in my life.  When stressors appear, my coping mechanisms go away. 

She recommended contacting my PCP - to see about getting back on antidepressants.  I think it's the way to go.  I think in combination with all the other efforts I'm making - exercise, better diet, talk therapy, it may be just the thing to help me feel like me again.  Oh shit, now I'm in tears writing this.  Calling the doctor tomorrow.